Loser

 Found a video from a couple weeks ago. I got realllllllly bored after I got home from Mexico. I was still trying to hide from the sun, so I didn't really have anything better to do than sit in front of the computer while all my friends were busy that day.

This just proves how much of a loser I really am.

Haha.

  

For some reason my computer won't record audio, so this is as good as videos coming from this computer are ever going to get.

And to Amy Cummins: Stay the fuck away from here. I don't want to hear your what you have to say.
Whatever you say, I will delete.

Moth

I'm currently looking forward to saving up money to get my next tattoo. I figured since I'm sure people will be asking me why I got it, I should just write it down because it takes a little explaining.

I want to get a moth on my forearm. An emperor moth to be specific.

There are a lot of reasons for the moth, other than my unexplained love for them.

It's about transformation into a different kind of beauty. It's about being a child of the moon, and being a creature of the night. And being drawn to the light.


Society looks at butterflies as beautiful; with their bright colors and pretty patterns. But no one really pays much attention to the beauty of a moth. They are just as beautiful and unique as a butterfly, only they are a slightly darker creature.

I've always thought of myself as very different than the typical kind of beauty that I'm surrounded by. I find many different things beautiful in life and people that most might not. I chose to be very different from most of the people around me, and I am far from ordinary. I find beauty in even the darker things in life. I do not fear or avoid the dark. In fact, I love and embrace it.

Moths are much like a butterfly, when it comes to transformation from a small little caterpillar into something greater and more beautiful. But even the transformations are different from one another. A butterfly's cocoon is soft on the outside, vulnerable to the outside world. A moth's cocoon is harder on the outside and strong against the elements. After the transformation, butterflies spend their lives carelessly fluttering around in the sunlight. And a moth spends its time searching for the moon at night.
Symbolism of a moth talks about how they are children of the moon. They are drawn to the lights around us because they are searching for the lunar light.
They are nocturnal creatures, and I might as well be. Nighttime is my favorite, and I find it more beautiful than any other point in the day. It changes, and you can see further into the sky than you can at any other time. You watch the sun set and the moon rise with the stars. What is more beautiful than that?

There's more about the symbolism of the moth here. They can explain it better than I could.
The more I learn about this creature, the more in love I become with it.

While in Mexico, we came across this big and beautiful moth. About the size if a small bird, all I wanted to do was look at and hold it while everyone ran for the door.
I just wanted to take it home with me.

                                      

I made Tessa take pictures of it for me.

But after so much as coming into contact with this amazing creature, I feel more ready than ever to get this tattoo.
I'm so excited for it.



Yesterday I tried writing here, but no matter how hard I tried to explain what's going on in this crazy head of mine, this is all I could get out into words:

"It's funny how quickly things change.

And how sometimes even the biggest changes, don't really change things at all."

I am definitely feeling the change and the transformation into who I am becoming. There's a lot of change going on around me, and while some of it is altering things in my life in a big way, some of these things are showing me that no matter what phase of my life I'm in, this will always be how I am going to be. I am learning more and more about myself, and realizing what I truly value in life. I'm getting closer to the point in my life where I'm going to become who I will be for the rest of my life.

I'm worried none of this is making any sense..

Anyway, here are my pictures from Mexico: [LINK]

Let's start over, shall we?

"I am many different opposites mixed into one, I thrive on chaos, and my personality always seems to be contradicting itself. Art -in all forms- runs my life. I want to see it all, I want to learn it all, I want to do it all; and that will never change. I am an extremely positive, indecisive, driven, and passionate person. I choose to live my life under my own standards, and no one elses."

 I’ve had the same ‘About Me’ for every profile I’ve have, for years now. Partly because I’m too lazy to change it, and partly because I can’t really describe myself any better than that. But that’s fine, I’m a pretty difficult one to define. Then again, I’m a pretty damn simple individual.

On the surface I’m really not that hard to figure out. Most parts of me, people can gather when they first meet me. I’m pretty friendly and open about every part of who I am; I have nothing to hide and I’m happy to share myself with people. But other parts of me take a lot more time to find and understand. I don’t do it on purpose, I guess people just see different parts of me once they get to know me better. But hey, I guess that’s how most of us are, right?

Here I am in a nutshell: I am a very happy person, and a total goofball. I am 5’2″, wear a lot of black, and am extremely clumsy. I will always try to get the most out of my life, and help you get the most out of yours. I am stubborn, but easily persuaded. I am mature for my age, but act like a child. I guarantee you will never understand the way I think. But I would love it if you’d try.

“Don’t listen to what I say, just understand what I mean.”

Photography is my passion, and my friends are the world to me. 

I want to travel the world to find this planet's hidden beauties, then be able share them everyone through the photographs I take. I have a dream, and I plan on doing whatever it takes to make it happen.

My past will not define me

I'm looking back at old posts on this here blog, and thinking to myself, 'Jeez, did I really just say that?'
I sound like a dumb teenage fangirl. Yeah, I say a LOT of really stupid things. I also do and think a lot of stupid things. But at least while I'm reading though all this bullshit, I'm learning that I've definitely grown up a little. Maybe even a lot, though it may not seem like that to other people. A majority of the posts on here are all from the point in my life that I was madly in love with this one particular band. I'm sure you'll know which, if you know me at all. I don't regret loving the music I did, because whether or not I'm a diehard fan, I will always love the music. But I am happy to say that I've grown out of the fangirl part of my life.

I never used to be the obsessive type, especially over something like a band. I loved music, but had/have very terrible taste in it sometimes. But ever since I met my best friend Tessa, our friendship has always pretty much been based off of the music we love. Once we found a band that we both were crazy about, that's what we focused 100% of our energy on.

My friend Tessa and I started our friendship by loving the band AFI. While we no longer feel the same way about the band now as we did then, our love for this band brought us closer because it was something to bond over. It eventually turned into something that we spent so much damn time on. Since then, we've been inseparable. After AFI, our obsession turned to Nine Inch Nails. And let me tell you, NIN consumed our lives. In 2008 NIN started touring again, and we jumped on the 'following the band on tour' bandwagon. When we were 16 we started our show-going in Inglewood, then to New Orleans, then back to Portland. All 3 of these shows were incredible in their own ways, and trips that we will never forget.
But suddenly it stopped being so much about our love for NIN, but a lot of it was about coming together with a bunch of fans that were just like us. We all may like the same music, yeah; but NIN fans were all different and unique in their own ways, yet all seemed to be so similar. People we really connect with, and get along with. We became a part of a community, and it was addicting. After that, shows became 40% about seeing our favorite music live, and 60% about the people and everything that lead up to the show with them. All spending money we don't have to come together in a strange city, getting in line at 3 am, waiting all day in less than ideal weather but with good company, and kicking ass to get your spot on the rail. I loved it. But after that tour I stopped caring as much.

Tessa and I spent some time apart in 2009 after we grew closer to different friends. I went to one show that year. Tessa went to a couple more than I, but we both talk now about how those shows didn't really feel the same as they did when we first saw them. We just didn't care like we used to. We've moved on from it all. Gotten the whole fangirl things out of our system, and now we're just working on growing up and living our lives. No point in freaking out over one of TR's new whatevers, or whatever stupid thing he said on the internet the other day. I just don't care anymore.

I don't know why I'm explaining this to you, stranger. But I feel like I need some sort of disclaimer if you ever decide to read past this point to posts that just make me sound like a dumb 'ol fangirl.
Parts of me wish I wasn't that dumb girl, but because of everything that happened in my past I'm in such a great place today.
I met some amazing people on tour. And some I regret calling friends. But some of the biggest mistakes lead me to some great rewards.
Being at a point in my life that is so happy no matter what's going on, I realize that I can't regret any part of my past, no matter how awful. It got me to where I am today, and if it never happened, I may not have ended up here.
I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I am no longer an AFI or Nine Inch Nails fangirl, but I'm still madly in love with the music that I do listen to, today. I still say, do, and think a lot of stupid things, but I hardly think the same way anymore, I am making smarter decisions, and I have a much better outlook on life.
I noticed that in all of those posts, I sound so unhappy. I may be an optimist, but I only ever wrote when I was feeling down about things. Well, now I'm back. Not sure if I'll continue writing here, but I will tell you that this isn't just for the bad, because I intend on kicking all the bad out of my life.


Yes, life is stressful right now. I can't find a job, living with my parents is wearing down my sanity, I have only a couple friends because I've left the bad friends I had in the past, and I'm stuck here in lame 'ol Beaverton while the one person I want to see most is going to be gone for what feels like forever and I can't even visit them this time. I want things to go my way, but life doesn't really work that way.
I'm making the most out of what is actually going on right now. I'm not giving up on a job, I'm exceeding the GED tests that I've taken, and the friends that I still have left, are amazing.

So in the end, this is pretty much what I've been trying to say this whole time:
Don't judge me on my past, it in no way defines me.
I love music more than words could describe, but the bands that create it don't consume me anymore.
I made some poor choices in friends, but in the end someone not so great lead me to someone incredible. And because of that, I am happier than ever and have no regrets.
I am a completely new person than who I was before. Parts of me are still the same because I can't and won't change who I am. But I have grown up, and out of the stupid childish life I had before.

I am changing for the better. I like who I am becoming, and I like where my life is heading.

Welcome back

I'm definitely not what you'd call 'normal'. 

I am something no one will ever understand.

I'm sick of worrying about making a fool out of myself, and caring so much about what other people think. I don't care anymore.

It's good to finally be back to what I feel is normal. 

You can't imagine how great it feels to finally let go and be myself again.

<3

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

The race is long.

And in the end, it's only with yourself.

>_<

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

I am not perfect.
I can not be perfect.
I will never be perfect.

Accept it.
I do.




There will always be someone better.
I'll just wait for my chance to be that person.







Things continue to fall the fuck apart. Isn't there some way to put it all back together?



.

Quicksand

I suppose I'll treat it like quicksand: Rather than fussing around, making matters worse; I'm just going to stay still, and wait to be rescued.



.

What have I become?

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious but won't step over any lines to satisfy my curiosity.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel.  So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.




...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is what it is, because of my friends; and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attempting not to lose our minds.

Things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.


Glass half full, right?


Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!


Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.




Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

This one's name is Katie:

Twist twist twist.

Things are looking up, and falling apart all at the same time.

My attitude has been more positive than it had been a few weeks ago, but my heart and my sanity aren't doing so well.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know I have to do something about all this.
I've never been one to just give up, or settle for any less than what I want.

I have to make it work. I don't want to have to 'make do' with just sitting around and missing out on anything.




Oh...and music is getting written, people are getting involved, and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things again.
It feels good.

Lawlz.

I love being happy for no reason in particular.
<3

Returning nightmares only shadows.

I feel like my life has been wiped clean, stripped down, and I'm back to the basics.

It feels like I've pretty much just started over.
I started Spring term last week. Planned my classes out so that I'll be doing things in ways that will make it easier for me to get things done. I actually thought about it this time, and now school seems achievable. Something I'm actually eager to do.

My life suddenly doesn't seem like such a mess anymore, despite all the shit that has been going on.

I'm in this state of mind where I appreciate everything and everyone in my life so much more than I did before, and I'm ready to just work my ass off for everything I want. Which is kind of weird. School is what is making me so happy. Getting back on track makes me feel so much better about myself.
I have a plan. A good one. And I'm going to follow it.

Happy, positive Kayla is back, and it feels good.

It's nice to be the 'old me' again.

And all that could have been.

Somehow with Jarod's advice, I've gotten back the old parts of me, that made me so focused and driven towards the things I wanted. I've finally stopped planning my life around what other people can and can't do, and started focusing on what I can do and achieve with or without them.
I've realized I haven't been taking my own advice.

Now that I've gotten past whatever it is that was holding me back, I'm ready to get things back on track. It's time to start doing what makes me happy, again.


I've been thinking, why not just go for the things you really want in life?

I've always been the type of person that goes for something they want. No questions asked. I don't really give a shit 'what the odds are', I at least want to know I tried. I don't want to die thinking about what could have been. I want to die knowing that I went after it, and did all I could to get the most of what I wanted in life. But I'd forgotten I could do that.
Lately those things I wanted were somehow put on hold, and I'd just forgotten about how much they mattered and were a part of me. I became a shell of a person. Nothing really that important was going on, and I'd lost that passion.
I ended up waiting. For something. Why the hell was I waiting, and what was I waiting for?
I know better than that. If I want something, I can't just sit around expecting anything. I have to go for it. Just do it.

Life is not about waiting.

It's time to get back to who I used to be.


I'm happy again, and things are going to stay that way.

Another Update in KaylaLand

Wow, first I talk too much, now I talk too little. What's up with that?

I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I feel like there's to much going on to even begin.

I'll just keep it pretty simple, and not talk about most of what's going on with me. Hah.

Life at the moment consists of school (or lack of), hiding from my parents, looking for a job to attempt to make it to all the Nine Inch Nails shows during the upcoming tour, a lot of brownies, and no sleep. At all.

My school life *this term* is fucked. I got a D on one of my midterms, and haven't even gone to my other two classes. I've already dropped one, and will probably drop the other. I've hit the point to where I don't even see the point in trying to fix it, because there really is no way at this point. I've really fucked myself over this time. I'll make up the classes during the summer online. Which doesn't bother me. Teachers in the classroom always make it more difficult for me to learn anyway. Teaching myself feels easier to me anyway. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

My parents asked me about my attendance. I told them I've been going -obviously. Since I'm going to PCC, they have NO control over my grades, attendance -anything. It's all me. I control my school life, and they can't so much as e-mail my teachers to get any information. I told them that, so they told me to sign a confidential release form, so that they could see all that.

I refused to sign it.

It made them angry. But you know, that's more their problem than mine. There's nothing they can do about it.




A few weekends ago, I snuck off to Seattle with Katie. Didn't plan on being sober at all while we were there. Which we did. I was talking to my little brother about it when I got back. When I got back, he'd told me about getting really high with a friend of his. Little did I know, my father was standing behind my door listening. He stormed in and told Luke he was never going to his friend's house again. Then yelled at me for about 20 minutes about how I influenced my little brother and this is all my fault.
I didn't even know the kid had been smoking. But they knew I smoke pot, and it's just 'safe' to assume I told him to do the same. Which I did not. I didn't even realized he's been smoking for a while now.

Now they won't let my brother come to the Sasquatch Festival with me, because my dad doesn't trust my little brother with me.
It sucks, but whatever.


I'm making it my misson to make it to a ton of shows this tour on a massive road trip with Tessa and Katie. But considering my parents refuse to help pay for anything , and I can't find ANY job; I'm gonna have to find some other way. I'm willing to give up every birthday, Christmas, and my graduation present for this. XD
I'll do anything.
Anything.

I really need to do this. And from the sounds of it, this tour is going to be INCREDIBLE.

NIN and JA.

Fucking NINJA tour, and I can't miss it.
XD



NIN: 1,000,000 Live from on stage, Sydney 2.22.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.





On a more positive note: I had a good day doing nothing but goofing off around the house, listening to loud music, hanging out with no one but the animals, and talking to the Twitter people.

The good kind of boredum:

Thanks.

Eraserme.

Need you.

Dream you.

Find you.

Taste you.

Fuck you.

Use you.

Scar you.

Break you.


Lose me.

Hate me.

Smash me.

Erase me.

Kill me.

'Iz not so fun aktuly.'

[A few more here]
[I have to upload them onto deviantart soon]

I'm pretty stressed out. I've been spending a lot of my time out all night till 10 in the morning, and not going to my classes. I'm being stupid, and making bad decisions. I need to get my act together. Maybe once I write a little, I'll know what I need to do, and feel a little better. That usually helps. But I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

I finished one essay tonight. An essay for Western Civ that I had to turn in yesterday, but I stayed home instead, and tried to write it. I had to wait till tonight to ask my parents for help. Something I never do anymore. But it helped, and I got it done.
Now I've got a fuckload more work to do for my other classes, then study for a midterm next week. Which will be a bitch because I have no idea what the hell is going on in that class.

School is pretty much my biggest issue at this point. I'm so fucked.



I haven't been hanging out with Tessa much. Which is so weird, cause we've been inseparable for like, 3 or 4 years. I'm excited for this weekend, I miss you.


Got a tour date last night. Can't afford Tennessee and $250 tickets. We'll figure it out. I'm sure there will be more dates soon.

Everything keeps happening on the 7th.
December 7th - Portland show
January 7th - Show footage released
February 7th - Tickets for the first announced US show goes on sale AND whatever the hell 'Clue 1' is.

Wonderful NINaversary.
Haha




Katie's giving up her apartment for a while and moving in with her mom, just so she can afford the tour. Katie, Tessa and I will be road tripping and following the band this tour. I can't wait to get started.

I need a fucking job to pay for all this. I remember babysitting, that shit was easy. I wish it was always that simple.

I told Katie she has to teach me how to be grown up. Hahaha, welllllll, we've gotten somewhere with that. XD







I need to keep brainstorming tattoo ideas. Must be perfect.



There's too much going on. Too many emotions. All good, turned real bad.
Fuck.