Let's start over, shall we?

"I am many different opposites mixed into one, I thrive on chaos, and my personality always seems to be contradicting itself. Art -in all forms- runs my life. I want to see it all, I want to learn it all, I want to do it all; and that will never change. I am an extremely positive, indecisive, driven, and passionate person. I choose to live my life under my own standards, and no one elses."

 I’ve had the same ‘About Me’ for every profile I’ve have, for years now. Partly because I’m too lazy to change it, and partly because I can’t really describe myself any better than that. But that’s fine, I’m a pretty difficult one to define. Then again, I’m a pretty damn simple individual.

On the surface I’m really not that hard to figure out. Most parts of me, people can gather when they first meet me. I’m pretty friendly and open about every part of who I am; I have nothing to hide and I’m happy to share myself with people. But other parts of me take a lot more time to find and understand. I don’t do it on purpose, I guess people just see different parts of me once they get to know me better. But hey, I guess that’s how most of us are, right?

Here I am in a nutshell: I am a very happy person, and a total goofball. I am 5’2″, wear a lot of black, and am extremely clumsy. I will always try to get the most out of my life, and help you get the most out of yours. I am stubborn, but easily persuaded. I am mature for my age, but act like a child. I guarantee you will never understand the way I think. But I would love it if you’d try.

“Don’t listen to what I say, just understand what I mean.”

Photography is my passion, and my friends are the world to me. 

I want to travel the world to find this planet's hidden beauties, then be able share them everyone through the photographs I take. I have a dream, and I plan on doing whatever it takes to make it happen.

My past will not define me

I'm looking back at old posts on this here blog, and thinking to myself, 'Jeez, did I really just say that?'
I sound like a dumb teenage fangirl. Yeah, I say a LOT of really stupid things. I also do and think a lot of stupid things. But at least while I'm reading though all this bullshit, I'm learning that I've definitely grown up a little. Maybe even a lot, though it may not seem like that to other people. A majority of the posts on here are all from the point in my life that I was madly in love with this one particular band. I'm sure you'll know which, if you know me at all. I don't regret loving the music I did, because whether or not I'm a diehard fan, I will always love the music. But I am happy to say that I've grown out of the fangirl part of my life.

I never used to be the obsessive type, especially over something like a band. I loved music, but had/have very terrible taste in it sometimes. But ever since I met my best friend Tessa, our friendship has always pretty much been based off of the music we love. Once we found a band that we both were crazy about, that's what we focused 100% of our energy on.

My friend Tessa and I started our friendship by loving the band AFI. While we no longer feel the same way about the band now as we did then, our love for this band brought us closer because it was something to bond over. It eventually turned into something that we spent so much damn time on. Since then, we've been inseparable. After AFI, our obsession turned to Nine Inch Nails. And let me tell you, NIN consumed our lives. In 2008 NIN started touring again, and we jumped on the 'following the band on tour' bandwagon. When we were 16 we started our show-going in Inglewood, then to New Orleans, then back to Portland. All 3 of these shows were incredible in their own ways, and trips that we will never forget.
But suddenly it stopped being so much about our love for NIN, but a lot of it was about coming together with a bunch of fans that were just like us. We all may like the same music, yeah; but NIN fans were all different and unique in their own ways, yet all seemed to be so similar. People we really connect with, and get along with. We became a part of a community, and it was addicting. After that, shows became 40% about seeing our favorite music live, and 60% about the people and everything that lead up to the show with them. All spending money we don't have to come together in a strange city, getting in line at 3 am, waiting all day in less than ideal weather but with good company, and kicking ass to get your spot on the rail. I loved it. But after that tour I stopped caring as much.

Tessa and I spent some time apart in 2009 after we grew closer to different friends. I went to one show that year. Tessa went to a couple more than I, but we both talk now about how those shows didn't really feel the same as they did when we first saw them. We just didn't care like we used to. We've moved on from it all. Gotten the whole fangirl things out of our system, and now we're just working on growing up and living our lives. No point in freaking out over one of TR's new whatevers, or whatever stupid thing he said on the internet the other day. I just don't care anymore.

I don't know why I'm explaining this to you, stranger. But I feel like I need some sort of disclaimer if you ever decide to read past this point to posts that just make me sound like a dumb 'ol fangirl.
Parts of me wish I wasn't that dumb girl, but because of everything that happened in my past I'm in such a great place today.
I met some amazing people on tour. And some I regret calling friends. But some of the biggest mistakes lead me to some great rewards.
Being at a point in my life that is so happy no matter what's going on, I realize that I can't regret any part of my past, no matter how awful. It got me to where I am today, and if it never happened, I may not have ended up here.
I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I am no longer an AFI or Nine Inch Nails fangirl, but I'm still madly in love with the music that I do listen to, today. I still say, do, and think a lot of stupid things, but I hardly think the same way anymore, I am making smarter decisions, and I have a much better outlook on life.
I noticed that in all of those posts, I sound so unhappy. I may be an optimist, but I only ever wrote when I was feeling down about things. Well, now I'm back. Not sure if I'll continue writing here, but I will tell you that this isn't just for the bad, because I intend on kicking all the bad out of my life.


Yes, life is stressful right now. I can't find a job, living with my parents is wearing down my sanity, I have only a couple friends because I've left the bad friends I had in the past, and I'm stuck here in lame 'ol Beaverton while the one person I want to see most is going to be gone for what feels like forever and I can't even visit them this time. I want things to go my way, but life doesn't really work that way.
I'm making the most out of what is actually going on right now. I'm not giving up on a job, I'm exceeding the GED tests that I've taken, and the friends that I still have left, are amazing.

So in the end, this is pretty much what I've been trying to say this whole time:
Don't judge me on my past, it in no way defines me.
I love music more than words could describe, but the bands that create it don't consume me anymore.
I made some poor choices in friends, but in the end someone not so great lead me to someone incredible. And because of that, I am happier than ever and have no regrets.
I am a completely new person than who I was before. Parts of me are still the same because I can't and won't change who I am. But I have grown up, and out of the stupid childish life I had before.

I am changing for the better. I like who I am becoming, and I like where my life is heading.