I have nothing to say, and I'm saying it.

My life feels like a mess. It's time to clean up. Hopefully I get everything I want to get done this weekend. It seems to have no control over my life anymore, and it's driving me absolutely insane. But, I'll fix that. I always do. It's time to change.



In other news:
Mom's breast cancer test came back 'inconclusive'. She has to go in for another biopsy.

It seems she's becoming more of a mother now. It feels pretty nice. But my dad may have liver cancer, so we'll see if that'll turn him into a better dad? Don't get me wrong, I don't like that my parents may both have cancer. I just like that my mother and I are actually getting along, and it feels like she's trying harder to be a good mother.
We'll see how all this plays out.

Everyone dies eventually. Just because they're more aware of it now, shouldn't change anything, except their want to get more out of life. So no one should be sad. We should all just realize life could be shorter than we think, so we really do need to take advantage of our time, rather than always worrying about when it's going to end.



Nine Inch Nails will be in Portland in a couple weeks, and I must say, I'm fucking ready. I need this NIN fix to get me back on track. I just miss the whole environment of it all. I miss the people, and the feeling of reaching that goal of getting to the front, and hopefully getting to chat with the guys. I like having an achievable goal to reach for. I'm thinking about bribing Rob with coffee over Twinkle so they'll let us inside early, and out of the cold. Haha. Cause dude, the wait will be FREEZING. And I'll do whatever it takes to avoid it, even if it's really dumb. Haha.

It seems like all the Portlanders are ready to prove that we aren't as dull a crowd as people think we are. Everyone is so excited and ready to rock the fuck out. Good for them.


Turns out my mother won't be taking us to Vegas, because she'll be getting another biospy that week, and she'll be laying around for a few days. Last time every time she stood up, she stared bleeding. So that's definitely not going to happen.

That sucks, I REALLLLLY wanted to go to Vegas.
: [

Also, Carol took us to 2 places already. It'd be nice for my mother to take us somewhere for a change.


I think I'm going to re-do everything now. From my layout here, to my room. Things need to change, I feel like everything remains the same ALL the time, and it's driving me crazy. We'll see how far I get with all that.

3 more weeks in this term, and I'm so ready for another vacation.

How much for one night?

So, I'm sitting here. Listening to Portishead on vinyl. I'm not sure why, but the sound of vinyl sounds and feels so much better to me than digital. Cleaner somehow. I also love that I'm not able to fast forward or skip anything. I listen to the album the whole way though.


Anyway.. I've been thinking a lot about photography lately for some reason.

When I was pretty young, I remember wanting to be a singer. But when I was old enough to realize that you can just have a career like that because you want it, I decided I'd better look for something else. Something achievable. I'd always done a little photography just for the fun of doing it. Got my first digital camera in 6th grade. It was more of a hobby than anything else.

Then my parents caught eye of what I'd been doing. Apparently I had an eye for this kind of stuff? I realized, 'Okay, I could make money off of this, right? Well then this is what I want to do with my life.' So I went after it. I put together a portfolio, and applied to Arts and Communication Magnet Academy [ACMA]. I look back at the photos now, and they were weak, and there was almost no emotion or story behind anything. Just pictures of nothing important. I also didn't have the ability to edit my photos, so they felt plain.


But the school loved them, and I was accepted into ACMA, but I ended up turning them down. I didn't see what I'd done, as anything too good, and I questioned whether I could make a career out of it. I didn't want to go after something I wouldn't end up being able to get in the end, even after all the work I'd put in. I had this mindset that you can't just do what you love to make a living. And if you want to try, you most likely won't succeed. You have to be extremely exceptional at it to get it. Which I didn't feel I was.


[I think I've definitely improved at least a little.]



So I was left at a point were I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And it drove me mad. I still desperately wanted a career in music, but knew I couldn't have it. Music had always been everything to me, and saved me more times than I could possibly count. I soon began not caring about whether I could make it or not. I just wanted it.

So, 7th grade, I pulled my old keyboard out of storage. A Christmas present from '97. Sure it was old, but it worked just fine.

Not much happened at first, but in 8th grade, I'd made some friends with the same love for music as me, and people who could help me create it. After that, making music felt like a drug to me. It got me through everything, sometimes more than anyone else's music could. I was able to get any emotions out in writing and in melody. It felt incredible. I haven't felt that since the end of my freshman year of high school. Since I couldn't get my emotions out in music, I turned to photography. I seem to be stuck in this cycle.

I have been looking into Rob Sheridan's photography, just thinking how the hell he got so god damn lucky. At 19, he was hired on the spot as just a fan, and has been working for Trent ever since. Doing what he's loves. And living a pretty nice life. [From what I hear at least.]


You know, all this stuff is just too god damn complicated.
Music - Can't get it. Just want it.
Photography - Can't get it. Just a hobby.

I think I'll just be a roadie, and see where it takes me.


Don't get me wrong. Music is what I'm after. I'm just wondering if I could make anything off of photography. Once I move to LA with Tessa, maybe I can make money off of live band photography. Doesn't matter who. Just surround myself with the music and environment, then any other time I'm not working, I could just work on my music.


Okay, now it just sounds like I'm after money. No, it's not that. I just want to know I could actually live my life doing something I want to do. And to actually live, you have to have money. Oh god, that's actually pretty sad. But, a salary is necessary.


Ugh, dude, do I have a future, or am I just kidding myself?



My brain is tired. How bout an update on my life, and not my mind.

Since New Orleans, I've been completely brain dead. [Oh wait, am I talking about my mind again?] Missing homework assignments. And even missing classes, or just leaving early. I have had this essay due for about 2 weeks now, and I'm yet to do it. I just can't.

For some reason, I can't not write an essay on politics. Sure, I can talk about it plenty, but when it comes to writing it down in a specific format and what-not, it freaks me out, and I loose all train of thought. I can't fucking do it. I hope this doesn't cost me my credits. I just HAVE to do it this weekend. [Which I probably won't, unfortunately.] Along with my History of Rock Music homework.



Ughh, so tedious.



Math is easy. I'm always on top of that -no problem. Just everything else is getting to me. Shit, I can't fall behind.






I'm so happy it's Friday.








OH yeah! The reason for the title?

There's a story. Get ready.


So, Tessa and I have to take the public bus home from PCC everyday. We'd left class early, so we had no idea when the next bus was coming. So we were waiting for a loooong ass time at the bus stop on the corner. After maybe 45 minutes of waiting, this Asian woman comes up to us, and says, 'How much for one night?' in this thick accent. At first, I thought she was making a joke.
I said 'What?', and expected her to laugh and walk away. But instead she just repeated herself.

I wasn't sure if she was actually asking what I thought she was asking. After a long confusing paragraph from this woman about her husband, I look at Tessa with the most confused look on my face. Tessa was just playing with her iPhone.

The woman keeps asking, and Tessa tells her that we're just waiting for the bus. The woman points and tells us that the bus stop is 'over there'. Yeah, you caught us. We're waiting at a corner 10 feet away from a bus stop, so we must be hookers.

The woman tells us that she wanted to know more about 'what we do'. I told her we don't do anything, so she just says 'Oh, okay. You were on the corner so I just assumed.' Then she just casually walks away, as if what she did was completely normal.


I'm sure this is a lot funnier if you were actually there, but it's fucking priceless. We laughed so hard, for so long. I mean, it's not like we LOOKED like hookers or anything. Unless the new hooker sheik is combat boots, jeans and leather jackets. Also, mid-day, rainy cold weather, dressed 'rebellious', minding our own business? What the fuck was that all about? And to make it more ghetto, we're standing in front of a Popeyes?
Wowww.
That's wonderful. So, we have a corner now.








I think I'll bake some brownies, and learn some piano covers. Avoid my homework a little longer. Hopefully my father will keep his promise [same one he keeps changing the date on], and take me to Guitar Center tomorrow to buy me a new mic cable. And I want to talk him into letting me look at the bass guitars.

Okay, well specifically that one I've had my eye on for the past 4 or 5 months. The Dean Evo XM. I just want to see if it's as nice as I hear it is.


Then, I want a tambourine.

:D


Haha I have no idea what my obsession is with them lately. I think it's because I've been playing Tap Tap NIN so much, and the tambourine has become one of my favorite parts in a few songs. Then there's always the 'With_Teeth' album. Trent uses it a lot, and it just makes the songs so catchy. Haha, I don't know, I'm kind of a loser. But let me tell you that I don't want it because Trent plays it. [If that were my goal, I'd have to get about a million other instruments that I can't play.] I just like it, that's all.


Riot called me last night during the Atlantic City show. I got to hear The Collector, and Reptile. With Peter Murphy? Haha oh my god, totally freaked me out. I love that girl. I'm so glad I kind of got to be a part of that. Considering, apparently it's been the best show so far. That set list? Dude, I reallllly hope that we're that lucky in Portland, and the guys do something a little special for us.

I hate how Portland has this awful reputation of having bad crowds. Ones who barely move at all. That better not happen at this show. We're rocking the fuck out. I'm bringing my younger brother to his first NIN show. And I've already told him that we'll be at the rail, and if he's one of the people who doesn't even move, I'll kick him in the balls, and force him out. That's just wasted space for people who want to be there. It's unfair to everyone else behind you.

Well, Portland promises to be amazing anyway. We gave Riot Tessa's extra pre-sale ticket, and I've talked Rev into coming to this show, since I missed him in Inglewood, because he was late. Should be a party. It's going to be a lonnnng cold wait. Watch, it will probably snow. Haha, ohh Portland.

I hope we get to run into Robin again. Then maybe meet Trent and the rest of the guys. Tess says that we'll know what hotel they're staying at, but I don't see us visiting. Haha, we're not the creeper/stalker type. And plus, that'd be just a little weird.

The day after the show is the beginning of finals week. I may have talked our writing teacher into coming to the show. Even though that's crunch time for him. Grading and finals and all. But I don't know, he seems to love Trent, and we've successfully made him jealous with our Voodoo experience.



I think I'll go to bed actually. I've been so stressed and -oh, techno. [Music's on shuffle.] Okay, well good techno is sounding pretty amazing right now. So maybe a snack, then bed once this song is over. Or this and a few others.

Thanks to Eric for good techno:
'My Body feat Mia J' - Benny Benassi








Okay, fuck.
I really need to get my act together.