My past will not define me

I'm looking back at old posts on this here blog, and thinking to myself, 'Jeez, did I really just say that?'
I sound like a dumb teenage fangirl. Yeah, I say a LOT of really stupid things. I also do and think a lot of stupid things. But at least while I'm reading though all this bullshit, I'm learning that I've definitely grown up a little. Maybe even a lot, though it may not seem like that to other people. A majority of the posts on here are all from the point in my life that I was madly in love with this one particular band. I'm sure you'll know which, if you know me at all. I don't regret loving the music I did, because whether or not I'm a diehard fan, I will always love the music. But I am happy to say that I've grown out of the fangirl part of my life.

I never used to be the obsessive type, especially over something like a band. I loved music, but had/have very terrible taste in it sometimes. But ever since I met my best friend Tessa, our friendship has always pretty much been based off of the music we love. Once we found a band that we both were crazy about, that's what we focused 100% of our energy on.

My friend Tessa and I started our friendship by loving the band AFI. While we no longer feel the same way about the band now as we did then, our love for this band brought us closer because it was something to bond over. It eventually turned into something that we spent so much damn time on. Since then, we've been inseparable. After AFI, our obsession turned to Nine Inch Nails. And let me tell you, NIN consumed our lives. In 2008 NIN started touring again, and we jumped on the 'following the band on tour' bandwagon. When we were 16 we started our show-going in Inglewood, then to New Orleans, then back to Portland. All 3 of these shows were incredible in their own ways, and trips that we will never forget.
But suddenly it stopped being so much about our love for NIN, but a lot of it was about coming together with a bunch of fans that were just like us. We all may like the same music, yeah; but NIN fans were all different and unique in their own ways, yet all seemed to be so similar. People we really connect with, and get along with. We became a part of a community, and it was addicting. After that, shows became 40% about seeing our favorite music live, and 60% about the people and everything that lead up to the show with them. All spending money we don't have to come together in a strange city, getting in line at 3 am, waiting all day in less than ideal weather but with good company, and kicking ass to get your spot on the rail. I loved it. But after that tour I stopped caring as much.

Tessa and I spent some time apart in 2009 after we grew closer to different friends. I went to one show that year. Tessa went to a couple more than I, but we both talk now about how those shows didn't really feel the same as they did when we first saw them. We just didn't care like we used to. We've moved on from it all. Gotten the whole fangirl things out of our system, and now we're just working on growing up and living our lives. No point in freaking out over one of TR's new whatevers, or whatever stupid thing he said on the internet the other day. I just don't care anymore.

I don't know why I'm explaining this to you, stranger. But I feel like I need some sort of disclaimer if you ever decide to read past this point to posts that just make me sound like a dumb 'ol fangirl.
Parts of me wish I wasn't that dumb girl, but because of everything that happened in my past I'm in such a great place today.
I met some amazing people on tour. And some I regret calling friends. But some of the biggest mistakes lead me to some great rewards.
Being at a point in my life that is so happy no matter what's going on, I realize that I can't regret any part of my past, no matter how awful. It got me to where I am today, and if it never happened, I may not have ended up here.
I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I am no longer an AFI or Nine Inch Nails fangirl, but I'm still madly in love with the music that I do listen to, today. I still say, do, and think a lot of stupid things, but I hardly think the same way anymore, I am making smarter decisions, and I have a much better outlook on life.
I noticed that in all of those posts, I sound so unhappy. I may be an optimist, but I only ever wrote when I was feeling down about things. Well, now I'm back. Not sure if I'll continue writing here, but I will tell you that this isn't just for the bad, because I intend on kicking all the bad out of my life.


Yes, life is stressful right now. I can't find a job, living with my parents is wearing down my sanity, I have only a couple friends because I've left the bad friends I had in the past, and I'm stuck here in lame 'ol Beaverton while the one person I want to see most is going to be gone for what feels like forever and I can't even visit them this time. I want things to go my way, but life doesn't really work that way.
I'm making the most out of what is actually going on right now. I'm not giving up on a job, I'm exceeding the GED tests that I've taken, and the friends that I still have left, are amazing.

So in the end, this is pretty much what I've been trying to say this whole time:
Don't judge me on my past, it in no way defines me.
I love music more than words could describe, but the bands that create it don't consume me anymore.
I made some poor choices in friends, but in the end someone not so great lead me to someone incredible. And because of that, I am happier than ever and have no regrets.
I am a completely new person than who I was before. Parts of me are still the same because I can't and won't change who I am. But I have grown up, and out of the stupid childish life I had before.

I am changing for the better. I like who I am becoming, and I like where my life is heading.

Welcome back

I'm definitely not what you'd call 'normal'. 

I am something no one will ever understand.

I'm sick of worrying about making a fool out of myself, and caring so much about what other people think. I don't care anymore.

It's good to finally be back to what I feel is normal. 

You can't imagine how great it feels to finally let go and be myself again.

<3

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

The race is long.

And in the end, it's only with yourself.

>_<

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

I am not perfect.
I can not be perfect.
I will never be perfect.

Accept it.
I do.




There will always be someone better.
I'll just wait for my chance to be that person.







Things continue to fall the fuck apart. Isn't there some way to put it all back together?



.

Quicksand

I suppose I'll treat it like quicksand: Rather than fussing around, making matters worse; I'm just going to stay still, and wait to be rescued.



.

What have I become?

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious but won't step over any lines to satisfy my curiosity.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel.  So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.




...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is what it is, because of my friends; and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attempting not to lose our minds.

Things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.


Glass half full, right?


Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!


Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.




Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

This one's name is Katie: