What have I become?

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious but won't step over any lines to satisfy my curiosity.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel.  So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.




...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is what it is, because of my friends; and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attempting not to lose our minds.

Things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.


Glass half full, right?


Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!


Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.




Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

This one's name is Katie:

Twist twist twist.

Things are looking up, and falling apart all at the same time.

My attitude has been more positive than it had been a few weeks ago, but my heart and my sanity aren't doing so well.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know I have to do something about all this.
I've never been one to just give up, or settle for any less than what I want.

I have to make it work. I don't want to have to 'make do' with just sitting around and missing out on anything.




Oh...and music is getting written, people are getting involved, and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things again.
It feels good.

Lawlz.

I love being happy for no reason in particular.
<3

Returning nightmares only shadows.

I feel like my life has been wiped clean, stripped down, and I'm back to the basics.

It feels like I've pretty much just started over.
I started Spring term last week. Planned my classes out so that I'll be doing things in ways that will make it easier for me to get things done. I actually thought about it this time, and now school seems achievable. Something I'm actually eager to do.

My life suddenly doesn't seem like such a mess anymore, despite all the shit that has been going on.

I'm in this state of mind where I appreciate everything and everyone in my life so much more than I did before, and I'm ready to just work my ass off for everything I want. Which is kind of weird. School is what is making me so happy. Getting back on track makes me feel so much better about myself.
I have a plan. A good one. And I'm going to follow it.

Happy, positive Kayla is back, and it feels good.

It's nice to be the 'old me' again.

And all that could have been.

Somehow with Jarod's advice, I've gotten back the old parts of me, that made me so focused and driven towards the things I wanted. I've finally stopped planning my life around what other people can and can't do, and started focusing on what I can do and achieve with or without them.
I've realized I haven't been taking my own advice.

Now that I've gotten past whatever it is that was holding me back, I'm ready to get things back on track. It's time to start doing what makes me happy, again.


I've been thinking, why not just go for the things you really want in life?

I've always been the type of person that goes for something they want. No questions asked. I don't really give a shit 'what the odds are', I at least want to know I tried. I don't want to die thinking about what could have been. I want to die knowing that I went after it, and did all I could to get the most of what I wanted in life. But I'd forgotten I could do that.
Lately those things I wanted were somehow put on hold, and I'd just forgotten about how much they mattered and were a part of me. I became a shell of a person. Nothing really that important was going on, and I'd lost that passion.
I ended up waiting. For something. Why the hell was I waiting, and what was I waiting for?
I know better than that. If I want something, I can't just sit around expecting anything. I have to go for it. Just do it.

Life is not about waiting.

It's time to get back to who I used to be.


I'm happy again, and things are going to stay that way.

Another Update in KaylaLand

Wow, first I talk too much, now I talk too little. What's up with that?

I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I feel like there's to much going on to even begin.

I'll just keep it pretty simple, and not talk about most of what's going on with me. Hah.

Life at the moment consists of school (or lack of), hiding from my parents, looking for a job to attempt to make it to all the Nine Inch Nails shows during the upcoming tour, a lot of brownies, and no sleep. At all.

My school life *this term* is fucked. I got a D on one of my midterms, and haven't even gone to my other two classes. I've already dropped one, and will probably drop the other. I've hit the point to where I don't even see the point in trying to fix it, because there really is no way at this point. I've really fucked myself over this time. I'll make up the classes during the summer online. Which doesn't bother me. Teachers in the classroom always make it more difficult for me to learn anyway. Teaching myself feels easier to me anyway. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

My parents asked me about my attendance. I told them I've been going -obviously. Since I'm going to PCC, they have NO control over my grades, attendance -anything. It's all me. I control my school life, and they can't so much as e-mail my teachers to get any information. I told them that, so they told me to sign a confidential release form, so that they could see all that.

I refused to sign it.

It made them angry. But you know, that's more their problem than mine. There's nothing they can do about it.




A few weekends ago, I snuck off to Seattle with Katie. Didn't plan on being sober at all while we were there. Which we did. I was talking to my little brother about it when I got back. When I got back, he'd told me about getting really high with a friend of his. Little did I know, my father was standing behind my door listening. He stormed in and told Luke he was never going to his friend's house again. Then yelled at me for about 20 minutes about how I influenced my little brother and this is all my fault.
I didn't even know the kid had been smoking. But they knew I smoke pot, and it's just 'safe' to assume I told him to do the same. Which I did not. I didn't even realized he's been smoking for a while now.

Now they won't let my brother come to the Sasquatch Festival with me, because my dad doesn't trust my little brother with me.
It sucks, but whatever.


I'm making it my misson to make it to a ton of shows this tour on a massive road trip with Tessa and Katie. But considering my parents refuse to help pay for anything , and I can't find ANY job; I'm gonna have to find some other way. I'm willing to give up every birthday, Christmas, and my graduation present for this. XD
I'll do anything.
Anything.

I really need to do this. And from the sounds of it, this tour is going to be INCREDIBLE.

NIN and JA.

Fucking NINJA tour, and I can't miss it.
XD



NIN: 1,000,000 Live from on stage, Sydney 2.22.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.





On a more positive note: I had a good day doing nothing but goofing off around the house, listening to loud music, hanging out with no one but the animals, and talking to the Twitter people.

The good kind of boredum:

Thanks.