>_<

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

I am not perfect.
I can not be perfect.
I will never be perfect.

Accept it.
I do.




There will always be someone better.
I'll just wait for my chance to be that person.







Things continue to fall the fuck apart. Isn't there some way to put it all back together?



.

Quicksand

I suppose I'll treat it like quicksand: Rather than fussing around, making matters worse; I'm just going to stay still, and wait to be rescued.



.

What have I become?

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious but won't step over any lines to satisfy my curiosity.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel.  So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.




...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is what it is, because of my friends; and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attempting not to lose our minds.

Things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.


Glass half full, right?


Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!


Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.




Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

This one's name is Katie:

Twist twist twist.

Things are looking up, and falling apart all at the same time.

My attitude has been more positive than it had been a few weeks ago, but my heart and my sanity aren't doing so well.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know I have to do something about all this.
I've never been one to just give up, or settle for any less than what I want.

I have to make it work. I don't want to have to 'make do' with just sitting around and missing out on anything.




Oh...and music is getting written, people are getting involved, and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things again.
It feels good.

Lawlz.

I love being happy for no reason in particular.
<3

Returning nightmares only shadows.

I feel like my life has been wiped clean, stripped down, and I'm back to the basics.

It feels like I've pretty much just started over.
I started Spring term last week. Planned my classes out so that I'll be doing things in ways that will make it easier for me to get things done. I actually thought about it this time, and now school seems achievable. Something I'm actually eager to do.

My life suddenly doesn't seem like such a mess anymore, despite all the shit that has been going on.

I'm in this state of mind where I appreciate everything and everyone in my life so much more than I did before, and I'm ready to just work my ass off for everything I want. Which is kind of weird. School is what is making me so happy. Getting back on track makes me feel so much better about myself.
I have a plan. A good one. And I'm going to follow it.

Happy, positive Kayla is back, and it feels good.

It's nice to be the 'old me' again.