<3

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

The race is long.

And in the end, it's only with yourself.

>_<

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

I am not perfect.
I can not be perfect.
I will never be perfect.

Accept it.
I do.




There will always be someone better.
I'll just wait for my chance to be that person.







Things continue to fall the fuck apart. Isn't there some way to put it all back together?



.

Quicksand

I suppose I'll treat it like quicksand: Rather than fussing around, making matters worse; I'm just going to stay still, and wait to be rescued.



.

What have I become?

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious but won't step over any lines to satisfy my curiosity.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel.  So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.




...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is what it is, because of my friends; and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attempting not to lose our minds.

Things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.


Glass half full, right?


Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!


Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.




Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

This one's name is Katie:

Twist twist twist.

Things are looking up, and falling apart all at the same time.

My attitude has been more positive than it had been a few weeks ago, but my heart and my sanity aren't doing so well.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know I have to do something about all this.
I've never been one to just give up, or settle for any less than what I want.

I have to make it work. I don't want to have to 'make do' with just sitting around and missing out on anything.




Oh...and music is getting written, people are getting involved, and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things again.
It feels good.

Lawlz.

I love being happy for no reason in particular.
<3

Returning nightmares only shadows.

I feel like my life has been wiped clean, stripped down, and I'm back to the basics.

It feels like I've pretty much just started over.
I started Spring term last week. Planned my classes out so that I'll be doing things in ways that will make it easier for me to get things done. I actually thought about it this time, and now school seems achievable. Something I'm actually eager to do.

My life suddenly doesn't seem like such a mess anymore, despite all the shit that has been going on.

I'm in this state of mind where I appreciate everything and everyone in my life so much more than I did before, and I'm ready to just work my ass off for everything I want. Which is kind of weird. School is what is making me so happy. Getting back on track makes me feel so much better about myself.
I have a plan. A good one. And I'm going to follow it.

Happy, positive Kayla is back, and it feels good.

It's nice to be the 'old me' again.

And all that could have been.

Somehow with Jarod's advice, I've gotten back the old parts of me, that made me so focused and driven towards the things I wanted. I've finally stopped planning my life around what other people can and can't do, and started focusing on what I can do and achieve with or without them.
I've realized I haven't been taking my own advice.

Now that I've gotten past whatever it is that was holding me back, I'm ready to get things back on track. It's time to start doing what makes me happy, again.


I've been thinking, why not just go for the things you really want in life?

I've always been the type of person that goes for something they want. No questions asked. I don't really give a shit 'what the odds are', I at least want to know I tried. I don't want to die thinking about what could have been. I want to die knowing that I went after it, and did all I could to get the most of what I wanted in life. But I'd forgotten I could do that.
Lately those things I wanted were somehow put on hold, and I'd just forgotten about how much they mattered and were a part of me. I became a shell of a person. Nothing really that important was going on, and I'd lost that passion.
I ended up waiting. For something. Why the hell was I waiting, and what was I waiting for?
I know better than that. If I want something, I can't just sit around expecting anything. I have to go for it. Just do it.

Life is not about waiting.

It's time to get back to who I used to be.


I'm happy again, and things are going to stay that way.

Another Update in KaylaLand

Wow, first I talk too much, now I talk too little. What's up with that?

I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I feel like there's to much going on to even begin.

I'll just keep it pretty simple, and not talk about most of what's going on with me. Hah.

Life at the moment consists of school (or lack of), hiding from my parents, looking for a job to attempt to make it to all the Nine Inch Nails shows during the upcoming tour, a lot of brownies, and no sleep. At all.

My school life *this term* is fucked. I got a D on one of my midterms, and haven't even gone to my other two classes. I've already dropped one, and will probably drop the other. I've hit the point to where I don't even see the point in trying to fix it, because there really is no way at this point. I've really fucked myself over this time. I'll make up the classes during the summer online. Which doesn't bother me. Teachers in the classroom always make it more difficult for me to learn anyway. Teaching myself feels easier to me anyway. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

My parents asked me about my attendance. I told them I've been going -obviously. Since I'm going to PCC, they have NO control over my grades, attendance -anything. It's all me. I control my school life, and they can't so much as e-mail my teachers to get any information. I told them that, so they told me to sign a confidential release form, so that they could see all that.

I refused to sign it.

It made them angry. But you know, that's more their problem than mine. There's nothing they can do about it.




A few weekends ago, I snuck off to Seattle with Katie. Didn't plan on being sober at all while we were there. Which we did. I was talking to my little brother about it when I got back. When I got back, he'd told me about getting really high with a friend of his. Little did I know, my father was standing behind my door listening. He stormed in and told Luke he was never going to his friend's house again. Then yelled at me for about 20 minutes about how I influenced my little brother and this is all my fault.
I didn't even know the kid had been smoking. But they knew I smoke pot, and it's just 'safe' to assume I told him to do the same. Which I did not. I didn't even realized he's been smoking for a while now.

Now they won't let my brother come to the Sasquatch Festival with me, because my dad doesn't trust my little brother with me.
It sucks, but whatever.


I'm making it my misson to make it to a ton of shows this tour on a massive road trip with Tessa and Katie. But considering my parents refuse to help pay for anything , and I can't find ANY job; I'm gonna have to find some other way. I'm willing to give up every birthday, Christmas, and my graduation present for this. XD
I'll do anything.
Anything.

I really need to do this. And from the sounds of it, this tour is going to be INCREDIBLE.

NIN and JA.

Fucking NINJA tour, and I can't miss it.
XD



NIN: 1,000,000 Live from on stage, Sydney 2.22.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.





On a more positive note: I had a good day doing nothing but goofing off around the house, listening to loud music, hanging out with no one but the animals, and talking to the Twitter people.

The good kind of boredum:

Thanks.

Eraserme.

Need you.

Dream you.

Find you.

Taste you.

Fuck you.

Use you.

Scar you.

Break you.


Lose me.

Hate me.

Smash me.

Erase me.

Kill me.

'Iz not so fun aktuly.'

[A few more here]
[I have to upload them onto deviantart soon]

I'm pretty stressed out. I've been spending a lot of my time out all night till 10 in the morning, and not going to my classes. I'm being stupid, and making bad decisions. I need to get my act together. Maybe once I write a little, I'll know what I need to do, and feel a little better. That usually helps. But I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

I finished one essay tonight. An essay for Western Civ that I had to turn in yesterday, but I stayed home instead, and tried to write it. I had to wait till tonight to ask my parents for help. Something I never do anymore. But it helped, and I got it done.
Now I've got a fuckload more work to do for my other classes, then study for a midterm next week. Which will be a bitch because I have no idea what the hell is going on in that class.

School is pretty much my biggest issue at this point. I'm so fucked.



I haven't been hanging out with Tessa much. Which is so weird, cause we've been inseparable for like, 3 or 4 years. I'm excited for this weekend, I miss you.


Got a tour date last night. Can't afford Tennessee and $250 tickets. We'll figure it out. I'm sure there will be more dates soon.

Everything keeps happening on the 7th.
December 7th - Portland show
January 7th - Show footage released
February 7th - Tickets for the first announced US show goes on sale AND whatever the hell 'Clue 1' is.

Wonderful NINaversary.
Haha




Katie's giving up her apartment for a while and moving in with her mom, just so she can afford the tour. Katie, Tessa and I will be road tripping and following the band this tour. I can't wait to get started.

I need a fucking job to pay for all this. I remember babysitting, that shit was easy. I wish it was always that simple.

I told Katie she has to teach me how to be grown up. Hahaha, welllllll, we've gotten somewhere with that. XD







I need to keep brainstorming tattoo ideas. Must be perfect.



There's too much going on. Too many emotions. All good, turned real bad.
Fuck.

Back at the beginning, sinking, spinning.

I've been so overcome with all these amazing feelings lately, and all I ever end up doing in return is doubting I'll ever get to keep them.

Downloading, downloading, downloading.

So I have no idea when it got to be so fucking late. I didn't even realize what time it was. But here I am again, 4:39 in the fucking morning.

I don't have much to say. I'm just doing what I usually do when it get's late and I have nothing better to do.

School started back up on Monday. Lame. I'm taking Writing 122, Math 60, and Western Civ. Basically all the lamest, most boring classes I could have possibly taken. I'm taking Western Civ with Tessa but that's it. So our schedules are different for the first time in a long ass time. Hah.
I hate my classes. I hate my teachers. I hate having to be in school. But hey, whatever. It will be worth it in the end. Plus, it definitely beats high school. That's for sure. No way I could go from PCC back to Sunset.




I'm basically in a tunnel right now because I'm fucking stupid, and doing anything to avoid the wrath of my father. I've got a blanket over me and the computer to avoid the light in my room showing through the door. My dad gets up at 5:30 and if he finds out I'm still awake, I'm getting my ass kicked. Another reason why I hate living with my parents. I mean, I don't know why it bothers them so much when I stay up. But whatever. I'm working around it. Hahah.

I've been without the music on my computer for the last 2 or 3 days because I've had to disconnect my external hard drive from my computer.

[A little background to explain what all this is about:] Tuesday I'd pulled an all nighter and talked to Katie all night through text messages. Then around 8 she took me to her barn to see her horse. After that we left to go pick up Tessa at school to go to lunch. We called it our NINaversary, because it was exactly one month from the Portland show that we'd all seen together. So while in the car, we all listened to the audio form the show, and talked about how we knew that Trent's announcment was going to be the DVD from the show, because they were fimling at our show, and the ones before and after ours. Soooooo, when Katie dropped us back off at school, we had to book it to class because we spent an extra few minutes in the car listening to the Terrible Lie recording.
Halfway into class, I grabbed my phone, and get a flood of text messages from Katie. My service was bad in that ONE spot, so I didn't get any of them until I moved it. The text messages were Katie yelling at us about the announcment. The 'gift'. We had to leave the class, run outside, and call Kaite. Trent had announced this:

1.7.09: your gift!
The internet is full of surprises these days.
I was contacted by a mysterious, shadowy group of subversives who SOMEHOW managed to film a substantial amount (over 400 GB!) of raw, unedited HD footage from three separate complete shows of our Lights in the Sky tour. Security must have been lacking at these shows because the quality of the footage is excellent.

If any of you could find a LINK to that footage I'll bet some enterprising fans could assemble something pretty cool.

Oh yeah, you didn't hear this from me.

posted by trent reznor at 12:56pm

Ironically that was posted 3 MINUTES after I'd checked the site earlier at lunch. Wow, what the fuck. Haha. After that, all I wanted to do was get home and download it. I couldn't fucking wait.




So back to now: I hadn't been able to download that fucking thing for some unknown reason. I had my brothers extra external hard drive that holds 500 GB of memory, so I had the space. I just couldn't get it to DOWNLOAD. So I tried my dad's computer [because it's a PC instead of a mac, and can get utorrent on it] and it STILL wouldn't work. So I've finally disconnected it, so that I could get my music up, then figured I would just wait. I think there is something wrong with my brother's hard drive, so I'll have to go buy a new one. Maybe that will solve the problem.
Well, I decided to give it one more try. And look, 0.9% now, and 2 seeders. Awesomeeee. Sure it's only the first video for Portland, but I want to see SOMETHING. I mean, one of the camera guys filmed sooooo much of us that night. I'm excited to see it.


Tessa's invited me to the beach this weekend. I'm fucking tired and just want to be lazy and relax after the first week of school school school, but it sounds like we're going to party it up the whole time, so it should be fun. I just have to work up the energy to get my shit together and leave. Hahaha.



I have a feeling this next NIN tour is going to be amazing. Katie, Tessa and I have planned on roadtripping and following the band to at least 5 shows. Basically living in that car the entire time. I can't fucking waittttttt.

:D


6:16 - My dad is up.
I'm out.

My world

[I guess you could say this kind of sums up my year. Haha.]

It's a new year. I can officially say that last year was an amazing year. And it was. Probably the best year of my life to date. I spent the entire year happy, and living the life I chose for myself, following what made me happy and meeting some awesome new people in the process of it all. But this is not a 'goodbye' to 2008, or even a 'hello' to 2009. I am just sitting here with my thoughts and can't sleep, so I figured I'd write.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth removed. I haven't been able to eat without intsense pain all week. Maybe that's a good thing. It should have taught me to stop eating, but you know me. I love to eat.
At least I'm not getting fat because of it.

I didn't do what most people would consider 'special' for new years this year. I had been at Tessa's house all week. Finally over being sick, and with the snow melted - able to get out of the house. So we spent most all of our time all week doing NOTHING. Haha.
Just the usual music and being us. Except we got to throw Katie into the mix a few times, and had little miss Amy Cummins to entertain us. She has recently gotten a hold of my cell phone number and began calling and texting me. Non-stop. Oh, and my e-mail.
I didn't reply at all, until I got to Tessa's house. Listening to her crazy stories, texts, and voicemails were great. Silly Amy, you don't seem to know how to hang up your phone because I now have recordings of you talking to yourself on my voicemail.


Christmas was nothing special. I didn't get shit. I needed stuff for my music, and I got nothing anywhere near related to such things. I got socks.
I did get some more vinyls, but that's because I went in with my mother and specifically asked for them. Then she bought and saved them for Christmas.



Ghosts I-IV was one that I chose, and it's even more incredible than I could have imagined on vinyl. Normally, with Ghosts I just skip through and find the songs that seem to appeal to me the most. But on vinyl, I've listened to the whole album over and over non-stop. I just love to sit down and listen to every little noise, every instrument; and just process it all. 28 and 19 Ghosts have become a couple favorites of mine. That probably has to do with seeing them live, and getting to actually watch all the music and instruments come together right in front of me.
It's crazy how intrigued I am with this album. I don't know if I've said this before, but sometimes I just can't help but think to myself: "Trent, do you realize what you've created?"
Tessa and I were stoned for what seemed like a non-stop high for a week straight, and most all we really did was listen to music. It was incredible how intensely we listened to music. I can't even describe to you the feelings, visuals, and emotions I got from listening to things like Nine Inch Nails, Massive Attack, Tool, A Perfect Circle, etc.
The depth, and the sounds were just over whelming.
Started off and ended the year with a musical orgasm.

Haha yeahh, it sounds crazy, but the music was amazing.
Today I feel like I've been listening to music to closely, and I can't actually stop. It's incredible, and I hope it never stops feeling this way.








School starts Monday, and it's beginning to snow again. I'm ging to have to take the bus to campus every day, because I'm not taking my classes with Tessa this term. Something everyone thought was good?
Either way, I'm not looking forward to standing in the cold, rain and snow. I need a car.

[I should proably sleep soon. My appointment is at 10:00 am.]
Jesus Christ, it' cold in this house.


Oh, so I guess my mom did have cancer, but they took care of it. She needs to go back in 6 months to see if it came back.
Dad's health isn't too good either. He apparently has something called Labyrinthitis. It's basically an inner ear problem that makes it so you're practically constantly lightheaded. It can last from 2 weeks, to 2 years. I don't know what's going on with my him.

Me however -other than my teeth- am in perfect health. Haha, in case you were wondering.

Oh.
I've decided I'm living in the 90's from now on. I don't give a shit about 2009. I'm moving into 1994 instead. My childhood in the nineties was amazing. Enough fucked up shit to keep things interesting, but not enough to....well, fuck shit up.
Technology was at a point where it was fun and new, but not something you had to depend on.
Politics were politics, not something fucking up our way of life.
Music was created for the sake of music, and not charts, fame or profit.
Movies were creative and original.
People created their own style and opinions, rather than following the what the crowd thinks.
Oh, and the cartoons were wayyy better.

Everything was perfect.

Besides the massive drug intake on our favorite artists, and the toll it took on their health.
And Courtney Love.

But, it kind of made the nineties what they were, and I wish things were still like they were then. Oh well, the best I can do is help create our music on the 90's standards, and just live like I'm there.
Kind of like I have been doing the past week in stonerville.
Hah.



I miss New Orelans.
It felt like the 90's somehow.