Yesterday, Today, & Tomorrow

Loser

2010-07-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

Found a video from a couple weeks ago. I got realllllllly bored after I got home from Mexico. I was still trying to hide from the sun, so I didn't really have anything better to do than sit in front of the computer while all my friends were busy that day.

This just proves how much of a loser I really am.

Haha.

For some reason my computer won't record audio, so this is as good as videos coming from this computer are ever going to get.

And to Amy Cummins: Stay the fuck away from here. I don't want to hear your what you have to say.
Whatever you say, I will delete.

Moth

2010-07-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm currently looking forward to saving up money to get my next tattoo. I figured since I'm sure people will be asking me why I got it, I should just write it down because it takes a little explaining.

I want to get a moth on my forearm. An emperor moth to be specific.

There are a lot of reasons for the moth, other than my unexplained love for them.

It's about transformation into a different kind of beauty. It's about being a child of the moon, and being a creature of the night. And being drawn to the light.

Society looks at butterflies as beautiful; with their bright colors and pretty patterns. But no one really pays much attention to the beauty of a moth. They are just as beautiful and unique as a butterfly, only they are a slightly darker creature.

I've always thought of myself as very different than the typical kind of beauty that I'm surrounded by. I find many different things beautiful in life and people that most might not. I chose to be very different from most of the people around me, and I am far from ordinary. I find beauty in even the darker things in life. I do not fear or avoid the dark. In fact, I love and embrace it.

Moths are much like a butterfly, when it comes to transformation from a small little caterpillar into something greater and more beautiful. But even the transformations are different from one another. A butterfly's cocoon is soft on the outside, vulnerable to the outside world. A moth's cocoon is harder on the outside and strong against the elements. After the transformation, butterflies spend their lives carelessly fluttering around in the sunlight. And a moth spends its time searching for the moon at night.
Symbolism of a moth talks about how they are children of the moon. They are drawn to the lights around us because they are searching for the lunar light.
They are nocturnal creatures, and I might as well be. Nighttime is my favorite, and I find it more beautiful than any other point in the day. It changes, and you can see further into the sky than you can at any other time. You watch the sun set and the moon rise with the stars. What is more beautiful than that?

There's more about the symbolism of the moth here. They can explain it better than I could.
The more I learn about this creature, the more in love I become with it.

While in Mexico, we came across this big and beautiful moth. About the size if a small bird, all I wanted to do was look at and hold it while everyone ran for the door.
I just wanted to take it home with me.

I made Tessa take pictures of it for me.

But after so much as coming into contact with this amazing creature, I feel more ready than ever to get this tattoo.
I'm so excited for it.

Yesterday I tried writing here, but no matter how hard I tried to explain what's going on in this crazy head of mine, this is all I could get out into words:

"It's funny how quickly things change.

And how sometimes even the biggest changes, don't really change things at all."

I am definitely feeling the change and the transformation into who I am becoming. There's a lot of change going on around me, and while some of it is altering things in my life in a big way, some of these things are showing me that no matter what phase of my life I'm in, this will always be how I am going to be. I am learning more and more about myself, and realizing what I truly value in life. I'm getting closer to the point in my life where I'm going to become who I will be for the rest of my life.

I'm worried none of this is making any sense..

Anyway, here are my pictures from Mexico: [LINK]

Let's start over, shall we?

2010-06-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

"I am many different opposites mixed into one, I thrive on chaos, and my personality always seems to be contradicting itself. Art -in all forms- runs my life. I want to see it all, I want to learn it all, I want to do it all; and that will never change. I am an extremely positive, indecisive, driven, and passionate person. I choose to live my life under my own standards, and no one elses."

I’ve had the same ‘About Me’ for every profile I’ve have, for years now. Partly because I’m too lazy to change it, and partly because I can’t really describe myself any better than that. But that’s fine, I’m a pretty difficult one to define. Then again, I’m a pretty damn simple individual.

On the surface I’m really not that hard to figure out. Most parts of me, people can gather when they first meet me. I’m pretty friendly and open about every part of who I am; I have nothing to hide and I’m happy to share myself with people. But other parts of me take a lot more time to find and understand. I don’t do it on purpose, I guess people just see different parts of me once they get to know me better. But hey, I guess that’s how most of us are, right?

Here I am in a nutshell: I am a very happy person, and a total goofball. I am 5’2″, wear a lot of black, and am extremely clumsy. I will always try to get the most out of my life, and help you get the most out of yours. I am stubborn, but easily persuaded. I am mature for my age, but act like a child. I guarantee you will never understand the way I think. But I would love it if you’d try.

“Don’t listen to what I say, just understand what I mean.”

Photography is my passion, and my friends are the world to me.

I want to travel the world to find this planet's hidden beauties, then be able share them everyone through the photographs I take. I have a dream, and I plan on doing whatever it takes to make it happen.

My past will not define me

2010-06-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

I'm looking back at old posts on this here blog, and thinking to myself, 'Jeez, did I really just say that? God, I sound so stupid.' I sound like a dumb teenager. No worse, a dumb teenage fangirl.
Yeah, I say a LOT of really stupid things. I also do and think a lot of stupid things. Not so much bad things, just things that make me look dumb. But at least while I'm reading though all this bullshit, I'm learning that I've definitely grown up a little. Maybe even a lot, though it may not seem like that to other people. A majority of the posts on here are all from the point in my life that I was madly in love with this one particular band. I'm sure you'll know which, if you know me at all. I don't regret loving the music I did, because whether or not I'm a diehard fan, I will always love the music. But I am happy to say that I've grown out of the fangirl part of my life.

I never used to be the obsessive type, especially over something like a band. I loved music, but had/have very terrible taste in it sometimes. But ever since I met my best friend Tessa, our friendship has always pretty much been based off of the music we love. Once we found a band that we both were crazy about, that's what we focused on.
All.
The.
Time.

I don't care if you laugh at me, I'm going to honest about this.

Tessa and I started our friendship by loving the band AFI. (Yes I know, AFI is lame. We were dumb little 'goth' kids, or at least that's what we were told.) While we no longer feel the same way about them now as we did then, our love for this band brought us closer because it was something to bond over. It eventually turned into something that we spent sooooo much time on. Since then, we've been inseparable. After AFI, our obsession turned to Nine Inch Nails. And let me tell you, NIN consumed our lives. In 2008 NIN started touring again, and we jumped on the 'following the band on tour' bandwagon. We started in Inglewood, then to New Orleans, then back to Portland. Now, to most, this is not a lot of shows. Hell, to me now, this is hardly anything for one tour. But it was a lot to us at the time, being newly addicted to Nine Inch Nails and their tour. Also, we were 16; we weren't paying for this ourselves, and our parents would only allow so much. So glad they did. [Well, glad Tessa's mom did. But that's a different story entirely.] All 3 of these shows were incredible in their own ways, and trips that we will never forget.
But suddenly it stopped being so much about our love for NIN, but a lot of it was about coming together with a bunch of fans that were just like us. We all may like the same music, yeah; but NIN fans all seemed to be the same kind of people. People we really connect with, and get along with. We became a part of a community, and it was addicting. After that, shows became 40% about seeing our favorite music live, and 60% about the people and everything that lead up to the show with them. All spending money we don't have to come together in a strange city, getting in line at 3 am, waiting all day in less than ideal weather but with good company, and kicking ass to get your spot on the rail. I loved it. But after that tour I stopped caring as much.

Tessa and I spent some time apart in 2009 after we grew closer to different friends. I went to one show that year. Tessa went to a couple more than I, but we both talk now about how those shows didn't really feel the same as they did when we first saw them. We just didn't care. We lost our addiction to the tour. And now, it's even to the point where we still love the music NIN created, but hardly ever listen to or acknowledge it anymore. We've moved on from it. Gotten the whole fangirl things out of our system, and now we're just working on growing up and living our lives. No point in freaking out over one of TR's new whatevers, or whatever stupid thing he said on the internet the other day. I just don't care anymore.
Being a diehard fan, is like being super obsessed with your religion. We were like hardcore Christians, but instead of following God and his bible, we followed Trent Reznor and his music. Thinking about it, it totally sense. So why was I so in love with all this, when I'm so strictly against being obsessed with a God? Diehard fandom is pretty much exactly the same as religion. At least to me, with the way I think aobut it all.

But I'll talk about religion later. That's a whollllllllle other mess of thoughts for some other time.

I don't know why I'm explaining this to you, stranger. But I feel like I need some sort of disclaimer if you ever decide to read past this point to posts that just make me sound like a dumb 'ol fangirl.
Parts of me wish I wasn't that dumb girl, but because of everything that happened in my past, I'm in such a great place today.
I met some amazing people on tour. And some I regret calling friends. But some of the biggest mistakes lead me to some great rewards.
Being at a point in my life that is so happy no matter what's going on, I realize that I can't regret any part of my past, no matter how awful. It got me to where I am today, and if it never happened, I may not have ended up here.
I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I am no longer an AFI or Nine Inch Nails fangirl, but I'm still madly in love with the music that I do listen to, today. I still say, do, and think a lot of stupid things, but I hardly talk the same way anymore, I am making smarter decisions, and I have a much better outlook on life.
I noticed that in all of those posts, I sound so unhappy. I may be an optimist, but I only ever wrote when I was feeling down about things. Well, now I'm back. Not sure if I'll continue writing here, but I will tell you that this isn't just for the bad, because I intend on kicking all the bad out of my life.

Yes, life is stressful right now. I can't find a job, living with my parents is wearing down my sanity, I have only a couple friends because I've left the bad friends I had in the past, and I'm stuck here in lame 'ol Beaverton while the one person I want to see most is going to be gone for what feels like forever and I can't even visit him this time. I want things to go my way, but life doesn't really work that way.
I'm making the most out of what is actually going on right now. I'm not giving up on a job, I'm exceeding the GED tests that I've taken, and the friends that I still have left, are amazing.

So in the end, this is pretty much what I've been trying to say this whole time:
Don't judge me on my past, it in no way defines me.
I love music more than words could describe, but the bands that create it don't consume me anymore.
Tessa and I may have spent time apart when we're meant to be together, but our friendship was strong enough to bring us back together, and now we're closer and happier than ever.
I made some poor choices in friends, but in the end someone not so great lead me to someone incredible. And because of that, I am happier than ever and have no regrets.
I am a completely new person than who I was before. Parts of me are still the same because I can't and won't change who I am. But I have grown up, and out of the stupid childish life I had before.

I am changing for the better. I like who I am becoming, and I like where my life is heading.

Welcome back

2010-02-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

I'm definitely not what you'd call 'normal'.

I am something no one will ever understand.

I'm sick of worrying about making a fool out of myself, and caring so much about what other people think. I don't care anymore.

It's good to finally be back to what I feel is normal.

You can't imagine how great it feels to finally let go and be myself again.

<3

2009-08-11T21:55:00.001-07:00

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

The race is long.

And in the end, it's only with yourself.

>_<

2009-06-27T23:04:00.000-07:00

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming.

I am not perfect.
I can not be perfect.
I will never be perfect.

Accept it.
I do.

There will always be someone better.
I'll just wait for my chance to be that person.

Things continue to fall the fuck apart. Isn't there some way to put it all back together?

.

Quicksand

2009-06-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

I suppose I'll treat it like quicksand: Rather than fussing around, making matters worse; I'm just going to stay still, and wait to be rescued.

.

What have I become?

2009-06-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

Halfway through 2009, what have I learned about myself?

I care way too easy.

I'm not as strong as I had thought.

While my personality may be more mature than my age, I'm still very young.

Nothing lasts forever.

People are selfish.

As perfect as things may seem, there's usually a catch.

I have the inability to show emotion in front of people. Meaning, I don't show my true feelings in person well.

My heart is more fragile than I'd thought.

I am ridiculously indecisive. Do us all a favor, save some time, and just make up my mind for me. Cause I'll never do it on my own.

I love knowing things. Random, pointless things.

Even when I'm unhappy, I'm always thinking like an optimist.

I hate wearing pants.

I've got a couple amazing people in my life. People that I would never survive without.

No matter what, there's always going to be someone to love me. That someone is my cat.

Love is not enough.

I am very curious.

I don't really fit in anywhere.

I have terrible insomnia.

I love who I am, flaws and all.

I tend to over analyze things.

I always forgive too easy.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's never going to be good enough. You just have to live with and accept it.

I am completely clueless.

No body will ever truly understand the way I am, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I kind of like that I'm the only one who understands the way I think.

I've forgotten who I used to be. How to be careless and enjoy every second of every day.

Twitter was created by the devil, to ruin everything.

I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this family. But my room in my escape, my house is a safe place, and my family has their moments.

Being angry can be fun.

I have some weird taste in music, that people won't understand.

It's okay to look stupid.

I bake when I'm stressed.

Music can cure a bad mood.

Music can break my heart into smaller pieces.

I really miss dancing around like an idiot.

I want my friend's happiness more than my own. I'll sacrifice anything necessary to make everything okay for them.

I get more things accomplished if I can do it in my underwear.

No matter how badly people hurt me, I'm always going to be here when they need me.

I need someone musically driven in my life. Even if I'm not creating it myself, I need someone to keep me connected to it so I never forget what making music is all about.

It's easy to be replaced, never get too comfortable with where you feel you stand.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing. Life is a mystery to me, I'm figuring it out as I go.

It's always been me and 'her'.

I desperately want to go back to who I used to be.

I am very easily persuaded.

My parents will not allow me to be myself, unless we want the same things. For the record: We do not.

I'm the type of person that loves a schedule, but hates being tied down to it.

I will not fall in love. I won't allow myself to.
To fall in love, I have to feel like I can trust someone fully, and be able to be completely comfortable with them. Which are two things I rarely ever feel. So if I tell you I love you, I fucking mean it.

I deserve better than that.

I can't expect anyone to always be there. Eventually everyone leaves, because no relationship lasts forever.

It is up to me -and only me- to take care of myself, and deal with my own problems. People don't actually give a shit; they have their own lives to deal with.

People love being important, and will do anything to feel that way.

I constantly find myself questioning how life works. But those questions are for another blog.

...tbc
.

To blog, or not to blog?

2009-06-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

'Not to blog'

[Las Vegas, NV]

Why don't I write often anymore? Because my life is personal, and my friend's lives are personal. I'm more of a private person, most people just don't realize that because I hide it for the most part. My life is what it is, because of my friends, and I can't talk about myself and what's going on with me, without talking about them. It's not my place to tell you about their lives.

I love to write, it makes me feel better. I feel like when I write down what's going on in my life, I've been able to get something off my chest. But I think I have to do that mostly for myself, and only for my eyes.

Life recently has been complicated. Very complicated. I'm going out of my mind, and the people I love and care for are all going through something big. Things are chaotic, and we're all attemting not to lose our minds.

Typically I'd talk about the trips I've gone on, describing every event and detail that happened. I visited Vegas the weekend of the 'Nails show, and had an amazing time with friends. Then I went to the Gorge for the Sasquatch Festival with friends to see NIN. Amazing yet again.
But I don't feel like I need to tell you about those trips. Considering this whole tour thing has turned me into a big mess with friends of mine. Not in a way that I'm fighting with them, but things have become very complicated with almost everyone I know.

Things will get better. They always do. It's just a matter of time.

Glass half full, right?

Time to find a journal or something to write in. There's a lot I need to get off my mind.

Woot.

2009-05-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'll see you kids in Vegas.

The Portland Presale Line

2009-04-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

I found some old videos on my phone.

A few of which were from the presale line at the Portland NIN show in December. I don't think this is 'blog worthy' but it's the easiest place to upload a video.

Unfortunately a few of the videos got deleted, and I don't have the one where she yells that she wants to fuck us girls like an animal. (Referring to Tessa and I.)
My poor younger brother had to sit next to her. She told him he was a 'very special boy' a few times. She was kind of in love with him. Keep in mind she was like...50, and he's 14. Hah!

Yeah, the music was a nice addition to the party we'd already started, but not worth this woman and her water bottles full of vodka.

I wonder if she ever got her boombox back.

Oh Portland: So full of interesting people.

And hey, this is the day Katie and I met. Weird stuff.

I have awesome friends.

2009-04-25T01:41:00.000-07:00

This one's name is Katie:

Twist twist twist.

2009-04-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up, and falling apart all at the same time.

My attitude has been more positive than it had been a few weeks ago, but my heart and my sanity aren't doing so well.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know I have to do something about all this.
I've never been one to just give up, or settle for any less than what I want.

I have to make it work. I don't want to have to 'make do' with just sitting around and missing out on anything.

Oh...and music is getting written, people are getting involved, and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things again.
It feels good.

Lawlz.

2009-04-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

I love being happy for no reason in particular.
<3

Returning nightmares only shadows.

2009-04-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life has been wiped clean, stripped down, and I'm back to the basics.

It feels like I've pretty much just started over.
I started Spring term last week. Planned my classes out so that I'll be doing things in ways that will make it easier for me to get things done. I actually thought about it this time, and now school seems achievable. Something I'm actually eager to do.

My life suddenly doesn't seem like such a mess anymore, despite all the shit that has been going on.

I'm in this state of mind where I appreciate everything and everyone in my life so much more than I did before, and I'm ready to just work my ass off for everything I want. Which is kind of weird. School is what is making me so happy. Getting back on track makes me feel so much better about myself.
I have a plan. A good one. And I'm going to follow it.

Happy, positive Kayla is back, and it feels good.

It's nice to be the 'old me' again.

And all that could have been.

2009-03-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

Somehow with Jarod's advice, I've gotten back the old parts of me, that made me so focused and driven towards the things I wanted. I've finally stopped planning my life around what other people can and can't do, and started focusing on what I can do and achieve with or without them.
I've realized I haven't been taking my own advice.

Now that I've gotten past whatever it is that was holding me back, I'm ready to get things back on track. It's time to start doing what makes me happy, again.

I've been thinking, why not just go for the things you really want in life?

I've always been the type of person that goes for something they want. No questions asked. I don't really give a shit 'what the odds are', I at least want to know I tried. I don't want to die thinking about what could have been. I want to die knowing that I went after it, and did all I could to get the most of what I wanted in life. But I'd forgotten I could do that.
Lately those things I wanted were somehow put on hold, and I'd just forgotten about how much they mattered and were a part of me. I became a shell of a person. Nothing really that important was going on, and I'd lost that passion.
I ended up waiting. For something. Why the hell was I waiting, and what was I waiting for?
I know better than that. If I want something, I can't just sit around expecting anything. I have to go for it. Just do it.

Life is not about waiting.

It's time to get back to who I used to be.

I'm happy again, and things are going to stay that way.

Another Update in KaylaLand

2009-03-03T19:14:00.000-08:00

[For the record, I only smoke when I feel like it. So please, stop asking and acting so surprised.]

Wow, first I talk too much, now I talk too little. What's up with that?

I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I feel like there's to much going on to even begin.

I'll just keep it pretty simple, and not talk about most of what's going on with me. Hah.

Life at the moment consists of school (or lack of), hiding from my parents, looking for a job to attempt to make it to all the Nine Inch Nails shows during the upcoming tour, a lot of brownies, and no sleep. At all.

My school life *this term* is fucked. I got a D on one of my midterms, and haven't even gone to my other two classes. I've already dropped one, and will probably drop the other. I've hit the point to where I don't even see the point in trying to fix it, because there really is no way at this point. I've really fucked myself over this time. I'll make up the classes during the summer online. Which doesn't bother me. Teachers in the classroom always make it more difficult for me to learn anyway. Teaching myself feels easier to me anyway. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

My parents asked me about my attendance. I told them I've been going -obviously. Since I'm going to PCC, they have NO control over my grades, attendance -anything. It's all me. I control my school life, and they can't so much as e-mail my teachers to get any information. I told them that, so they told me to sign a confidential release form, so that they could see all that.

I refused to sign it.

It made them angry. But you know, that's more their problem than mine. There's nothing they can do about it.

A few weekends ago, I snuck off to Seattle with Katie. Didn't plan on being sober at all while we were there. Which we did. I was talking to my little brother about it when I got back. When I got back, he'd told me how he got really high with a friend of his. Little did I know, my father was standing behind my door listening. He stormed in and told Luke he was never going to his friend's house again. Then yelled at me for about 20 minutes about how I influenced my little brother and this is all my fault.
I didn't even know the kid had been smoking. But they knew I smoke pot, and it's just 'safe' to assume I told him to do the same. Which I did not. I didn't even realized he's been smoking for a while now.

Now they won't let my brother come to the Sasquatch Festival with me, because my dad doesn't trust my little brother with me.
It sucks, but whatever.
At least I'M going. Haha

I'm making it my misson to make it to a ton of shows this tour on a massive road trip with Tessa and Katie. But considering my parents refuse to help pay for anything in my life, and I can't find ANY job, I'm actually having to go to my grandparents to ask them for help to support it. [I was told I'd have better luck winning the lottery than finding a job.] I'm willing to give up every birthday, Christmas, and my graduation present for this.
I'll do anything.
Anything.

I really need to do this. And form the sounds of it, this tour is going to be INCREDIBLE.

NIN and JA.

Fucking NINJA tour, and I can't miss it.
XD

NIN: 1,000,000 Live from on stage, Sydney 2.22.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

On a more positive note: I had a good day doing nothing but goofing off around the house, listening to loud music, hanging out with no one but the animals, and talking to the Twitter people.

Some cell phone pictures of the good kind of boredum:

Thanks.

Eraserme.

2009-02-06T01:04:00.000-08:00

Need you.

Dream you.

Find you.

Taste you.

Fuck you.

Use you.

Scar you.

Break you.

Lose me.

Hate me.

Smash me.

Erase me.

Kill me.

'Iz not so fun aktuly.'

2009-02-04T02:20:00.000-08:00

[A few more here]
[I have to upload them onto deviantart soon]

I'm pretty stressed out. I've been spending a lot of my time out all night till 10 in the morning, and not going to my classes. I'm being stupid, and making bad decisions. I need to get my act together. Maybe once I write a little, I'll know what I need to do, and feel a little better. That usually helps. But I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

I finished one essay tonight. An essay for Western Civ that I had to turn in yesterday, but I stayed home instead, and tried to write it. I had to wait till tonight to ask my parents for help. Something I never do anymore. But it helped, and I got it done.
Now I've got a fuckload more work to do for my other classes, then study for a midterm next week. Which will be a bitch because I have no idea what the hell is going on in that class.

School is pretty much my biggest issue at this point. I'm so fucked.

I haven't been hanging out with Tessa much. Which is so weird, cause we've been inseparable for like, 3 or 4 years. I'm excited for this weekend, I miss you.

Got a tour date last night. Can't afford Tennessee and $250 tickets. We'll figure it out. I'm sure there will be more dates soon.

Everything keeps happening on the 7th.
December 7th - Portland show
January 7th - Show footage released
February 7th - Tickets for the first announced US show goes on sale AND whatever the hell 'Clue 1' is.

Wonderful NINaversary.
Haha

Katie's giving up her apartment for a while and moving in with her mom, just so she can afford the tour. Katie, Tessa and I will be road tripping and following the band this tour. I can't wait to get started.

I need a fucking job to pay for all this. I remember babysitting, that shit was easy. Hahaha. I didn't even have to do shit, and I made easyyy money. I wish it was always that simple.

I told Katie she has to teach me how to be grown up. Hahaha, welllllll, we've gotten somewhere with that. XD

I need to keep brainstorming tattoo ideas. Must be perfect.

There's too much going on. Too many emotions. All good, turned real bad.
Fuck.

Back at the beginning, sinking, spinning.

2009-01-28T00:59:00.001-08:00

I've been so overcome with all these amazing feelings lately, and all I ever end up doing in return is doubting I'll ever get to keep them.

Downloading, downloading, downloading.

2009-01-09T04:39:00.001-08:00

So I have no idea when it got to be so fucking late. I didn't even realize what time it was. But here I am again, 4:39 in the fucking morning.

I don't have much to say. I'm just doing what I usually do when it get's late and I have nothing better to do.

School started back up on Monday. Lame. I'm taking Writing 122, Math 60, and Western Civ. Basically all the lamest, most boring classes I could have possibly taken. I'm taking Western Civ with Tessa but that's it. So our schedules are different for the first time in a long ass time. Hah.
I hate my classes. I hate my teachers. I hate having to be in school. But hey, whatever. It will be soworth it in the end. Plus, it definitely beats high school. That's for sure. No way I could go from PCC back to Sunset.

I'm basically in a tunnel right now because I'm fucking stupid, and doing anything to avoid the wrath of my father. I've got a blanket over me and the computer to avoid the light in my room showing through the door. My dad gets up at 5:30 and if he finds out I'm still awake, I'm getting my ass kicked. Another reason why I hate living with my parents. I mean, I don't know why it bothers them so much when I stay up. But whatever. I'm working around it. Hahah.

I've been without the music on my computer for the last 2 or 3 days because I've had to disconnect my external hard drive from my computer.

[A little background to explain what all this is about:] Tuesday I'd pulled an all nighter and talked to Katie all night through text messages. Then around 8 she took me to her barn to see her horse. After that we left to go pick up Tessa at school to go to lunch. We called it our NINaversary, because it was exactly one month from the Portland show that we'd all seen together. So while in the car, we all listened to the audio form the show, and talked about how we knew that Trent's announcment was going to be the DVD from the show, because they were fimling at our show, and the ones before and after ours. Soooooo, when Katie dropped us back off at school, we had to book it to class because we spent an extra few minutes in the car listening to the Terrible Lie recording.
Halfway into class, I grabbed my phone, and get a flood of text messages from Katie. My service was bad in that ONE spot, so I didn't get any of them until I moved it. The text messages were Katie yelling at us about the announcment. The 'gift'. We had to leave the class, run outside, and call Kaite. Trent had announced this:

1.7.09: your gift!
The internet is full of surprises these days.
I was contacted by a mysterious, shadowy group of subversives who SOMEHOW managed to film a substantial amount (over 400 GB!) of raw, unedited HD footage from three separate complete shows of our Lights in the Sky tour. Security must have been lacking at these shows because the quality of the footage is excellent.

If any of you could find a LINK to that footage I'll bet some enterprising fans could assemble something pretty cool.

Oh yeah, you didn't hear this from me.

posted by trent reznor at 12:56pm

Ironically that was posted 3 MINUTES after I'd checked the site on my ipod touch earlier at lunch. Wow, what the fuck. Haha. After that, all I wanted to do was get home and download it. I couldn't fucking wait.

So back to now: I hadn't been able to download that fucking thing for some unknown reason. I had my brothers extra external hard drive that holds 500 GB of memory, so I had the space. I just couldn't get it to DOWNLOAD. So I tried my dad's computer [because it's a PC instead of a mac, and can get utorrent on it] and it STILL wouldn't work. So I've finally disconnected it, so that I could get my music up, then figured I would just wait. I think there is something wrong with my brother's hard drive, so I'll have to go buy a new one. Maybe that will solve the problem.
Well, I decided to give it one more try. And look, 0.9% now, and 2 seeders. Awesomeeee. Sure it's only the first video for Portland, but I want to see SOMETHING. I mean, one of the camera guys filmed sooooo much of us that night. I'm excited to see it.

Tessa's invited me to the beach this weekend. I'm fucking tired and just want to be lazy and relax after the first week of school school school, but it sounds like we're going to party it up the whole time, so it should be fun. I just have to work up the energy to get my shit together and leave. Hahaha.

I have a feeling this next NIN tour is going to be amazing. Katie, Tessa and I have planned on roadtripping and following the band to at least 5 shows. Basically living in that car the entire time. I can't fucking waittttttt.

:D

6:16 - My dad is up.
I'm out.

My world

2009-01-02T02:49:00.000-08:00

[I guess you could say this kind of sums up my year. Haha.]

It's a new year. I can officially say that last year was an amazing year. And it was. Probably the best year of my life to date. I spent the entire year happy, and living the life I chose for myself, following what made me happy and meeting some awesome new people in the process of it all. But this is not a 'goodbye' to 2008, or even a 'hello' to 2009. I am just sitting here with my thoughts and can't sleep, so I figured I'd write.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth removed. I haven't been able to eat without intsense pain all week. Maybe that's a good thing. It should have taught me to stop eating, but you know me. I love to eat.
At least I'm not getting fat because of it.

I didn't do what most people would consider 'special' for new years this year. I had been at Tessa's house all week. Finally over being sick, and with the snow melted - able to get out of the house. So we spent most all of our time all week doing NOTHING. Haha.
Just the usual music and being us. Except we got to throw Katie into the mix a few times, and had little miss Amy Cummins to entertain us. She has recently gotten a hold of my cell phone number and began calling and texting me. Non-stop. Oh, and my e-mail.
I didn't reply at all, until I got to Tessa's house. Listening to her crazy stories, texts, and voicemails were great. Silly Amy, you don't seem to know how to hang up your phone because I now have recordings of you talking to yourself on my voicemail.

Christmas was nothing special. I didn't get shit. I needed stuff for my music, and I got nothing anywhere near related to such things. I got socks.
I did get some more vinyls, but that's because I went in with my mother and specifically asked for them. Then she bought and saved them for Christmas.

Ghosts I-IV was one that I chose, and it's even more incredible than I could have imagined on vinyl. Normally, with Ghosts I just skip through and find the songs that seem to appeal to me the most. But on vinyl, I've listened to the whole album over and over non-stop. I just love to sit down and listen to every little noise, every instrument; and just process it all. 28 and 19 Ghosts have become a couple favorites of mine. That probably has to do with seeing them live, and getting to actually watch all the music and instruments come together right in front of me.
It's crazy how intrigued I am with this album. I don't know if I've said this before, but sometimes I just can't help but think to myself: "Trent, do you realize what you've created?"
Tessa and I were stoned for what seemed like a non-stop high for a week straight, and most all we really did was listen to music. It was incredible how intensely we listened to music. I can't even describe to you the feelings, visuals, and emotions I got from listening to things like Nine Inch Nails, Massive Attack, Tool, A Perfect Circle, etc.
The depth, and the sounds were just over whelming.
Started off and ended the year with a musical orgasm.

Haha yeahh, it sounds crazy, but the music was amazing.
Today I feel like I've been listening to music to closely, and I can't actually stop. It's incredible, and I hope it never stops feeling this way.

School starts Monday, and it's beginning to snow again. I'm ging to have to take the bus to campus every day, because I'm not taking my classes with Tessa this term. Something everyone thought was good?
Either way, I'm not looking forward to standing in the cold, rain and snow. I need a car.

[I should proably sleep soon. My appointment is at 10:00 am.]
Jesus Christ, it' cold in this house.

Oh, so I guess my mom did have cancer, but they took care of it. She needs to go back in 6 months to see if it came back.
Dad's health isn't too good either. He apparently has something called Labyrinthitis. It's basically an inner ear problem that makes it so you're practically constantly lightheaded. It can last from 2 weeks, to 2 years. I don't know what's going on with my him.

Me however -other than my teeth- am in perfect health. Haha, in case you were wondering.

Oh.
I've decided I'm living in the 90's from now on. I don't give a shit about 2009. I'm moving into 1994 instead. My childhood in the nineties was amazing. Enough fucked up shit to keep things interesting, but not enough to....well, fuck shit up.
Technology was at a point where it was fun and new, but not something you had to depend on.
Politics were politics, not something fucking up our way of life.
Music was created for the sake of music, and not charts, fame or profit.
Movies were creative and original.
People created their own style and opinions, rather than following the what the crowd thinks.
Oh, and the cartoons were wayyy better.

Everything was perfect.

Besides the massive drug intake on our favorite artists, and the toll it took on their health.
And Courtney Love.

But, it kind of made the nineties what they were, and I wish things were still like they were then. Oh well, the best I can do is help create our music on the 90's standards, and just live like I'm there.
Kind of like I have been doing the past week in stonerville.
Hah.

I miss New Orelans.
It felt like the 90's somehow.

Today in the snow.

2008-12-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

So for the first time since it started snowing, I went out, and had some fun in it. Even though I really hate the snow. But I figured I could get some good pictures out of it. I took my brother with me to the park, because none of his friends wanted to go out in the snow with him. Also, so that I wouldn't have to be a loner. We ended up just taking goofy ridiculous pictures of us sliding on the road, and jumping in the snow.

This is mostly just pictures

9.9 inches of snow is what I heard.

And that's that. Now onto something else. Amy Cummins is back. Yes, I know I deleted the blog about her. I didn't see the point in having it, I didn't want to stoop to her level. [Although it was really fucking funny to read.] But, she just recently got banned from talking, posting, or changing anything on her nin.com account. I'd sent Rob a message, and I guess some other people did as well. His reply said:

"Yeah, you're not the only one to complain about that retard. Not that this will change her mental state, but it felt good: [forum.nin.com]"

(We had to take a screen shot, because everything she's said has been deleted off nin.com.)
Well, the point to all this: Last night she deleted the myspace account she had been harassing Tessa, Katie and I on. Was a celebration. I haven't laughed so hard in a while. But then, today, I get this message from her on a new account with the subject 'just give up !' and the message saying:

"like look bitch your one hell of a tramp !!!!!!!
and not even a triple xxxx fuckable hottie unlike me like yeah iam super hot !!! like to hot for this fucking world !!!!!!!!!
hey how is the snow treating you by the way!!!!
your hair is ugllllllyyyyy your eyes need anti ageing cream
to bad your income is like less then 30,000
mine is in the triple digget's "clap your hands if you have a bank roll"
not sorry to qoute lil wayne
but your stuipd "

[By the way, this is what we're dealing with:]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I replied simply telling her that her bullshit has no effect on me, and she basically needs to get lost.

She has pictures of me on her page, now. Calling me a stupid cunt, and telling me I need hair dye and plastic surgery. I wish I had taken a screen shot before she made her profile private. It's fucking hillarious. All over her page she mentions me. She also has the picture of Lil Wayne I took at Voodoo this year. I've had a lot of problems with her stealing my pictures. This one, she said I stole form her. Mmmmmm, yeah okay. What the fuck ever. As if I really give a shit about a photo of Lil Wayne.

The only thing that REALLY pushed me over the edge, was when she stole my Nothing Studios pictures and claimed them as her own. That was a very important trip that I took with Tessa, and those pictures are very important to me. That whole trip was, and I would really like to viciously rip her tits off.

That was my day.
Thank you.

Insomnia.

2008-12-22T05:13:00.001-08:00

Once again, it's late [or early], and I still haven't slept at all. Insomnia is kicking my ass lately. I've been sleeping more during the day than at night. It's probably just cause I'm not in school anymore, so I don't really have to sleep much, and I can stay up late without consequences.
Either way, I have nothing better to do, than write nonsense on this here blog.

I've been locked inside a couple of days. It's been snowing a ridiculous amount lately, and there is so much snow that it's been hard to get anywhere. I've been meaning to go out and take pictures, but considering that I've been sleeping during the day, by the time I get ready to go outside, I've lost the light.
I also hate the snow, so it's not like I'm rushing to go outside.
This was just taken from my bedroom window with the porch light. The sky looks pretty cool tonight.

Also since I've been stuck inside, I've had a chance to work on my music. Jarod suggested that I just lock myself in my room with my instruments, and just play and see what happens. Well, I took his advice. Only, I have a computer in my room too, and I get distracted easily. I ended up pulling some piano tabs and learning some new songs rather than writing them. I also have those new vinyls he gave me, and I can't stop listening to them.

I've been trying to write my own music but I'm having the hardest time getting past this writer's block. Someone told me when you get blocked, write about what's blocking you. I was going to try that, but then I realized I have no idea what's blocking me. Write about that? Mmkay, but I have no idea what kind of song that's going to end up being. But who knows, I've been strongly inspired by The Fragile lately, so maybe I'll go from there.

I didn't go to sleep the night before last, and ended up doing a lot. I pretty much got rid of my past. None of it was good, and the clutter was just weighing me down. I rearranged my room moving furniture, and changing up the stuff on my walls. I also painted the entire back of my door. It was messy and sloppy, and covered in doodles and things people had written over the years. So I painted it black, and spray painted a NIN quote on it.

My life as been consumed with NIN lately, so it felt necessary. Especially after the night before. I was at Tessa's, and we invited Katie over. We smoked a lot, then had a total NIN binge to make us feel better about the tour being over, and having no NIN shows to look forward to. So we watched 'Closure', then 'And All That Could Have Been', 'Beside You In Time', then listened to the entire NIN concert from Portland that someone had recorded [LINK] and relived the show. After that, I felt like my NINginity had been restored, and everything NIN was new again. Haha, it felt pretty fantastic.

Hopefully our New Years LA trip won't have to be canceled due to the weather. It's a road trip, so we're kind of going to have to drive though whatever. I've really been looking forward to this, so it would be devastating to not be able to end up going.

At least we won't end having to drive to Olympia this year. This will be mine, my brother's and my mother's second Christmas not at my grandparents'. Feels nice not having to do anything. Due to the money, there are not many presents under the tree. That's fine, they always spend a bunch of money on stuff I never want or need anyway. So this will just be saving us all that. Hopefully I'll just be getting money, so that wasy I can have plenty for LA.

I'm not sleeping tonight.
Well, that is unless my father comes in again and orders me to get my ass in bed. He must assume I'm a child, because he continues to treat me like one. I asked his why it is such a big deal to him whether or not I'm sleeping. He said that doesn't matter, just because he said so. His EXACT words were "I'm your father, so I can make you do whatever I want you to do. No questions asked. It's my right."

I need to get out of this house.
It's crazy in here.

I'm beginning to prefer my mother over my father, lately.
She doesn't care what time I go to bed, what words come out of my mouth, or what my religious or sexual preferences are. She really doesn't give a shit who I choose to be, or what I choose to do with my life. As long as I'm safe and happy. I'm finally beginning to appreciate my mom.
My father is a different story all together.

Looks like we're not done yet.

2008-12-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

Trent Reznor Interview, 12.13.08
by trentisthenewpink

More touring to come. Needless to say, I'm in kind of in a fantastic mood. No more post-NIN depression, because I now have something else to look forward to. I'll miss Alessandro and Josh, but I look forward to seeing Ilan, and what Trent decides to do with the shows in the future. I'm crossing my fingers for as little travel as possible in 2009, because it's hard spending money that I don't have, and having Carol take us places when she can't afford to.

-Thank you Carol, I love you.-

Getting together with the NIN fans tomorrow. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. Oh shit, I have to call them.

In other news, it's snowing today. I slept in really late and didn't get a chance to get any pictures, so I guess that will have to wait for tomorrow. Apparently it's warmer now then it's going to be tomorrow. Unfortunately schools are all closed and I'll be having to put up with the neighborhood kids, and won't be able to go to the park. Also, my brother and his little friends will be over because they have no life, and no school. Lame. At least I may be getting out of the house to hang out with my NIN friends.

^_^

A Christmas tree suddenly appeared in the living room last night. Since my mom will be having surgery this week, we won't be doing any traveling this year. [THANK GOD.] This will be only my second Christmas not going to Olympia, WA for Christmas. I love getting to avoid holidays there. I have more to do, and more fun at home. Also, my friends are here. Although Christmas will likey be filled with a long video game binge with my brother and his friend Derek -who might as well be my other little brother. He spends all his time here, and I treat him like a brother. He's kind of just part of the family.
I have no problem with the video games. Been a while since I've been a nerd with my brother.

Are you impressed? I'm typing in paragraphs and making this look prettier. I think I'll edit my past posts and make them look the same.

Okay, time to order pizza. I feel really bad for the delivery guy. It's really stormy outside.

Now what?

2008-12-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

Vegas couldn't happen. Roads from Portland to Vegas were closed due to weather with icy and slippery roads, and I couldn't sneak out without any money. The plane and train were too expensive, and it's not like I could ask my parents for money to run away to Vegas for a night.

So, I asked Riot and Rev to call me while they were at the show, so that I could hear it. Riot called me during the show a few times. She called me right before Hurt. I heard 'The needle tears a hole,' and I lost it. I three-wayed Tessa crying. [Yes I am that pathetic.] I was upset not only because I missed this show, but because it's Josh's last show, and the last show period. [For the US leg and this set up at least.] I didn't want to miss this. I'm not sure when Alessandro is leaving, but I hope this wasn't his last show as well.

The more I think about it though, the more I'm partly glad that I missed it, because I don't know if I could have handled it. Poor Riot must be a mess right now.
I'll catch Josh and Alessandro at other shows though. Even if they aren't NIN shows, I can't see them giving up music all together.

Hmm, enough dwelling on what's already happened.

Time to focus on the future.

There will be more NIN in the future, no doubt about that. Even if it isn't the near future, there's definitely more to come from Mr.Reznor. Haha.

Tessa, Katie and I have plans for a road trip to LA for New Years. I hope it ends up happening. Once again, my parent's permission is not necessary. I'm all for escaping and doing something rebelious. All I need is the money and I'm set.

Now, someone buy me tickets to Tiesto on Wednesday. I need my bass fix, and a chance to dance. Mom's surgery for breast cancer is on Thursday and I need one more chance for freedom before I have to take care of her.

Blekk.

Nine Inch Nails - Portland, OR

2008-12-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm still working on processing. So I'll most likely be coming back to edit this post.
But anyway.

This weekend was pretty hectic. I spent Friday night at my house, and went over to Tessa's on Saturday. Jarod [a big NIN fan I'd been talking to online] was supposed to get in around 3 or 4, and we were going to meet up with him that night. I called Riot, and she seemed more interested in something else, and told us she was probably going to drive up late that night. We looked for some more people to join us to hang out and go eat dinner at the Roxy. One taker: Evan. So we got my brother, and met up with the guys downtown.

We went to the Roxy for something to eat, and played lots of NIN on the jukebox. Then Jarod decided to play us some music that just ended up confusing everyone. Even frightening a few of us.

We left the Roxy with a box of pancakes, and a box of fries. Jarod yelled pancakes at people to try and give them away. I'm sure asking if they wanted pancakes, might have been more effective then sounding like you have torretes and yelling 'PANCAKES!' at everyone who passes you. Eventually we somehow managed to find some takers, then headed over to the Rose Quarter to plot out the next morning. We talked to some of the people at the venue to figure out what to do in the morning.

After standing in front of the Rose Quarter for probably 30 minutes, doing nothing but yelling at people about the closed sidewalk, we decided to to some more walking. We stopped and stood in front of the Rose Quarter sign and yelling and cheering every time NIN came on the screen.

We then decided to go home. It was fucking coldddd. Before heading home we stopped at Jarod's hotel where he gave Tessa and I some vinyls. Seriously so sweet of him, I'm absolutely in love with every one of them.

Once we got home, my little brother Luke spent all his time looking at meathead stuff, Tessa dyed her hair, and I talked to drunk Jarod on the phone about the music industry for about 45 intense minutes. He's a smart guy, even when he's drunk.

We decided to go to bed and get a little sleep. My dad was to pick us up at 5. Needless to say, we didn't sleep at all.

Once at the venue, we met up with Riot. After some issues as to where the line was, we sat down in line and began a very long wait. It was fucking freezing. Tessa and I tried to get warm by hiding under the banner we had made the night before.

'PORTLAND FUCKING [heart]'s NIN'

Tessa and I would hang out in the box office bathroom a while, whenever we got too cold. A few more people started showing up in line. Eventually, we let the sign hold our spot, and we hung out inside.

We were later joined by the two people that were in line next to us: Katie, and her friend Sean. Most people stayed outside, others came in and out. Inside the box office became our new spot.

Jarod and Evan just stayed outside. My brother stuck with Tessa and I. Soon Jeff [another guy I'd been talking to online] showed up, and him and Jarod hung out inside with us.

Around 11, we all decided on pizza. We were all fucking hungry, cause we hadn't eaten anything but NERDS all morning. Pizza arrived, and we cheered! Well, mostly Jarod cheered cause he's loud. Everyone was thankful for the food though. We all needed it.

After eating, me, Tessa, Luke, Katie, Sean, and a few others decided to wonder around and look for a tour bus. While walking around we found this woman asleep on the steering wheel with the bus still running:

Then signs to a cat show.

It seemed too outrageous, that we had to go. Also, Alessandro seems to love cats, and it would be fucking hilarious if we saw him there. That would kind of fantastic and pretty much make my life.

While following the signs, we went the wrong way, and hit a parking garage. Complete with 2 tour buses, and a bunch of equipment trucks.

Uhmmmm? We didn't go in, we just kind of stood around for a while. After nothing happening, we headed back to the line. We hung out a little more and watched live NIN videos on Tessa's iPhone to freak ourselves out. It still hadn't hit any of us.

After being really bored, we decided to go check out the cat show for real this time. When we got there, it cost $5, and no one had any money on them. We ditched the cat show, and roamed around inside looking for any sign of NIN. We heard some music, and freaked out. Soundcheck?

Wrong, we were in the wrong building for that. They were preparing for some party downstairs.

We headed over to the actual Rose Quarter building, and checked to see if any of the doors were open. We wanted to see inside. We found an open door on the side of the building that apparently led to the parking garage. After climbing a million stairs, there was no way to get in.

So we got on the elevator, and decided to leave. [Why we didn't take the elevator in the first place, I don't know.] We went down to what we thought was where we would get out. Luke walks over to a door, and pushes it open. I go to grab him to stop opening doors, and I see it. The lights. But, the back of them. WOAH. I frantically grab Tessa by the arm and drag her over. She sees it and we freak out. Everyone comes over to see.

What the fuck do we do!?!?! Dude, we're BACKSTAGE. No security either. Someone goes to the other door, and there it is. The parking garage with the tour buses.

Uhm.....oh my god.

What have we just stumbled on to? We leave. We didn't want to get in trouble, and get kicked out or something.

Once we got back to the line, we tell a few friends what just happened. Told Riot, she thinks we're crazy. Told Jarod, and he thought it was just weird. So we decided to show him, and prove it to him. Yeah, he was pretty amazed. We all were. How fucking unbelievable.

How the hell does that happen? Apparently we have even more good NIN karma.
Tessa and I hear that a lot form people, and I'm actually starting to kind of believe it.

We hung out in line a little longer. Sean went to Burgerville to get something to eat. Then Katie's friend Ash showed up. We just kind of chilled out while watching it start to rain outside.

We later got a call from Sean.

"There's a tour bus outside of Denny's", Katie tells us.

We're out.

We walked in the rain over to the Denny's. We saw the tour bus, but no NIN in sight. Walked into Denny's and Red Robins 'looking for a bathroom'. We didn't plan on talking to the guys, we just wanted to seem them off the stage being normal people, then leave.

Haha.

After no luck at all, we walk over to Starbucks. While waiting for Ash to get her coffee, a guy asks Tessa if she has 'Tap Tap NIN' on her iPhone. Turns out, this is the guy that helped create it. Uhm...what? We talked to him for a while about Tap Tap NIN, and Trent being a nerd. Apparently Trent's a big fan of lolcats. [I find that hillarious.] Then again, who isn't a fan of lolcats?

We told him we saw the bus, and he told us that Trent was probably at the hotel, playing with his computer and other geeky toys. "I get the feeling that Trent is a total nerd, isn't he? Cause he totally seems like it," I say. "Huge nerd", he said. He said he's a really cool guy, and it's mindblowing to talk to him.'

He told us that he was going to talk to Trent after the show, and he was gonna head backstage.

We envied him.

Meeting this guy: more good NIN karma.

We eventually left after getting a call about the line moving. Turns out, it was only moved inside, but we headed back anyway. Once we got in and told some friends our story, I got a call from a woman that said she was bringing a boombox for our 'line party'. "20 minutes", she said.

So while we waited, Riot passed out her flags.

On Luke's we wrote 'I'M A VIRGNIN'.

It was going to be his first NIN show, and we felt it necessary to tease him.

Picture from Katie. Luke and Evan

He doesn't seem to mind it much. We then wrote 'HE'S A VIRGNIN' on the back of some poster paper with stuff we had written for the show.

More teasing the brother.

Other topics of conversation: Trent's alleged girlfriend/fiance/ex/etc. - Amy Cummins.

You know, the one who is 22 and claims to have lot her virginity to Trent in 2000 when she was 18. Do the math. That's all wrong.

Then the with the apparent 5 year old daughter born 2 years ago that is ironically IDENTICAL to Justin's daughter. Mmhmm. This girl is FUCKED UP in the head.

[UPDATE: After the show she somehow found me after harassing Tessa and Katie. I complained to Rob and nin.com about her. They're in the process of banning her. Now I just need to hear back from myspace, and hopefully she'll be kicked off there too.]

Picture from Katie. Jeff and Jarod.

The boombox lady finally got there with the boombox. Time for some music. Jarod -even with his massive hangover- ran to go get batteries. When we finally got the music playing [NIN of course], and people seemed to enjoy it. It is in fact the one band that we know every here is going to like. Our little group was in a kind of circle, and I felt like it was a campfire sing-along. Everyone was singing, and having a good time.

Aweh, the sign we never used. Haha.

The boombox lady came back and asked to hang out with us. Sure, she brought the boombox, it only makes sense she get to lsiten to it. Big....Mistake. That woman had a water bottle full of vodka, and another with water. She drank one, then the other. The.whole.thing.

That woman was shitfaced. She was singing the lyrics incredibly loud, and obnoxious. Acting like a total crazy. Riot, Tessa and I couldn't stop laughing. Oh my god. Drunkard. When Closer was playing, she started to get loud.

Tessa would try to say, "Mmkay, save it for the show. Quiet down." The lady then decided to mix it up and change the lyrics a little.

"I wanna fuck you girls like an animal".

Woahhhh........

Oh I have proof of this. It's on video. I just have to get it off my phone.

Update: Unfortunately, the video was somehow deleted. But I do still have this: [LINK]

Enough was enough. We had to turn the music off. She was beginning to crawl and get really close. I said "Woahhh, back off. You're getting a little close there." She got offended and made a comment about me being stuck up or something. We turned the music off. She was on her knees dancing.

No more please.

We cleaned up a little and stood up. She decided to stand up too. Well, try...Fail. She then tried to light a cigarette inside. We all yelled at her to put it out. There was a smoke detector right above her head. We called security. But it was finally out by the time they got there. So they just stood outside.

Waiting in line took forever. Putting up with the drunk lady and her cigarettes, and then just the anticipation of the show. It was getting close to 5, where were our tickets? The line started getting longer. Wrapped all the way around back to us.

Some time around 5:30 or 5:45, they opened the windows. There was a big 'NOOO NO NO NO NO!' from the crowd. The windows were opened at the end of the line. Funny the way we all reacted. It's just, after waiting since 5 am, we weren't about to let that happen.

While we got the tickets, Luke and Jarod went to go hold our spots at the actual line to get into the venue. We got our tickets, and headed right over. Tessa got there first, and as soon at I get to the line I hear, "Oh shit.....it's her." AMY CUMMINS.

DUDE.

They kept trying to show her to me, but it took me forever to find her because I thought she was a guy.
She complimented Tessa on her pants...

Apparently not realizing who she was.

We finally got in. Then waited in line for about 2 hours.

While in line, Evan held the 'He's a virgNIN' sign above Luke's head, and everyone cheered.
Haha, it was special. I love my giant extended family.
We got our merch and wrapped it up in my leather jacket to that it was easier for Ash to carry to her seat and hold.
We called it the NIN baby, pretending it was Amy Cummins child.

Joking that we were babysitting Amy and Trent's child. As a JOKE.

We know that Trent would never want anything to do with that....thing. Hahaha

We got in about 7:30. Got our spot, right in the middle. We put up our sign, and security told up is was awesome, but we couldn't have it up during the show. We'd have to take it down. Fuck.

Tessa, Me, Luke, and Katie.

Luke soon moved to Katie's left and hung with Jeff.

We rolled it up, and plotted putting it down during Head Like a Hole and during Trent's speech.
Is it sad that we know these shows so well, that we can plan on dropping the sign during the part of the night where the lights are brightest and Trent is talking?
Maybe..
That, or these guys are getting way too predictable.

The Bug came on, and it was unexpected, but good.

Picture from Katie

Nice to dance to, and Warrior Queen seemed to be having a good time. The booty shake was unexpected. Deffinitely not something you expected to see on the NIN stage.

Once The Bug was over, we were all set at the rail. Jeff, Luke, Katie, Me, Tessa, Riot, then the French Girls. We got more mommy talk from Riot about holding our spot on the rail. Not a problem. I can get vicious towards the people who attempt to take my spot. I won't allow it. I didn't need a lesson on how to do this.
This aint my first rodeo.

We'd realized how small the stage is compared to the other venues we'd been to. When they put the mics up, we realized we were in the perfect spot.

Justin would be right there.

Trent would be right there.

Robin right there.

And I've got a perfect view of Josh and Alessandro.

Shit, this is perfect.

Waiting....waiting.....waiting......

999,999

WE SCREAM! We see them! OH SHIT.

I SEE JOSH!

I SEE ROBIN!

I SEE JUSTIN!

I SEE ALESSANDRO!

1,000,000

TRENTTT!

BAHHHHH THEY'RE ALL SO CLOSE WHAT DO WE DO!?

Once you finally get over that whole 'SHIT....NIN', then you really get a chance to rock out. Which we definitely did. Never have I headbanged so hard in my life.

Hah!!

Here is the setlist:

999,999
1,000,000
Letting You
Discipline
March of the Pigs
Head Down
The Frail
The Wretched
Closer
Gave Up
The Warning
Vessel
31 Ghosts III
28 Ghosts III
19 Ghosts III
Piggy
The Greater Good
Pinion/Wish
Terrible Lie
Survivalism
The Big Come Down
31 Ghosts IV
Only
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole

Encore:
Echoplex
The Good Soldier
[Band Intro/Speech]
God Given
Hurt

In This Twilight

Before I even begin describing the show, I'm going to remind you how shitty Portland crowds typically are. They're just boring and dull. Well, we said we'd change that, and it felt like we did. Now, I'm hearing from some people that the crowd sucked. But from the rail, it felt brutal. I was pinned so hard against the rail that I couldn't move at all. I have never been beat up so much at the rail in my life. It was to a point where I wasn't screaming for the band, but screaming for dear life. Hahaha. But I just think, 'Ignore it, and focus. Nine Inch Nails.'

I tried to get a few pictures, but given all the movement, most just turned out shaky. Here's the best I got:

Oh Justin. You impressed the shit out of me by rocking the fuck out. You were my hero that night.

Then I get back to rocking out. Cameras were filming all night. At the quiet and dark point in time before The Frail one of the camera guys stopped ans said, 'So you guys are having a good time?' 'Amazing time. You have no idea. Hahaha.' He laughed and told us that was good. Another one kindly picked up my flag for me that I had dropped. Something NO ONE would do for me. never seems to care, for good reason I suppose. But that was really nice of him. Since we were so into it, and we were rocking out so god damn hard, every time the camera passed us, they would spend a bunch of time with the cameras in our faces. And in our way, but it's cool. My hair was in my face anyway.

We seemed to get a lot of looks from the band as well. I guess they approved. During one of the Ghosts songs, while Robin was switching guitars he was looking into the crowd. I looked over and saw him looking over at us. I smiled and gave him a cute little wave. He chuckled and smiled. Whoops, made Robin loose his bad ass face for a second. Sorry. I have no idea if he actually remebered Tessa and I from NOLA. We'd told him we'd be at the rail [he said he would be too], and after riding away on his sweet ass bike, he later waved and yelled 'See you in Portland!' But this guy sees a million faces all the time. So it's difficult to believe that he would recognize or remember us.

The second time Trent had his tambourine, he looked right at the 3 of us [Me, Tessa and Katie] and showed us that he was going to toss it to us. He kneeled down, looked right at us, gave us 'the nod', waited for the ligh so we could see him, then he threw it to us. Unfortunately we're really short, so it hit our arms and someone behind us got it. That reallllly sucks. But whatever. It's the thought that counts, right? Haha. If anything, I'm more satisfied with Trent trying to give it to us, than actually getting it.

In an e-mail from Riot, she said this:

The show was great.  Trent loves you guys - I saw him look at your
sign and I saw him try to get you the tamborine - did you see it?  He
stood at the edge of the stage and threw it right to you.  In all the
shows I have done I've only seen him make that much of an effort like
- 2 - 3 other times.  I really wanted you guys to have it.

Any dumb girl can flirt her way back stage - but to have him aim so
perfectly, that is a really special thing.

She's such a sweetheart.

Luke was on the Survivalism screen. It was pretty perfect. It was trent's camera for the stage, but he hit it down onto the ground, and they turned it facing right at him and Jeff. We got the flag in it and everything.

[I'll upload the videos soon.]

We got a few tastes of the nineties. Trent 'attacked' robin the way he used to. Jumped on top of him.

Then, during Terrible Lie Trent's frustration with the malfunctioning screens and equipment finally must have gotten to him. [Mic not working during Vessel, and light not working with the screen during Pinion are all I noticed.] The mic fell off the stand, and Trent took his guitar and used it like a baseball bat against the mic stand. Broke the head of the guitar right off. That man, is fucking strong. Cause to break the guitar like that against something as weak as a mic stand is pretty amazing. He walked to the back of the stage, and threw his water bottle against the screen. He looked pissed.

Poor Josh could not get the Echoplex drum machine right. It didn't sound right, and I could see the confused smile on his face. He eventually walked off the stage, laughed, and shrugged his shoulders at Robin. Then it sounded right. It's okay Josh, you're still fucking amazing.

[Okay, the end of this is going to be written as quickly as possible. NIN made me really sore, and I'm actually really sick from it. I think I may have actually bruised my insides. Hahaha. I just want to go to bed at this point.]

When leaving the floor, we saw the Tap Tap NIN guy. I walk up to him and say, 'Woah. Dude.' He says, 'I know!' He then shows us his nifty after party pass. Tessa tells him we should be his entourage. He said he wishes, but nerds don't need entourages. I said, 'Well, trent's a nerd. And look at him. Plus, nerds may not need entourages, but it doesnt mean they can't have them.' 'True, true,' he says.

I then told him about how we'd earlier stumbled backstage, but never went in. He told us that we totally should have! He thought it was crazy that we didn't do anything. We talked a while then left and told him to have fun.

After the show was over we got our stuff, and thought we'd head towards backstage again.

Perhaps catch the guys on their way out. Even though there was still no security, we didn't want to be dissrespectful or get in the way. So we sat on the stairs a bit, and next thing I know, someone hands Jeff 2 passes. 'After party' passes with JMJ written on them.

He gives me one. I stare at it.

'Uhmm....what are we supposed to do?' There were only 2 passes, and like...8 of us. Also, I couldn't go without Tessa. I'd never forgive myself if I went and left her behind. And Luke? Just leave my little brother out of this? No.

Ash walks up to me and tells me she'll take it and get me backstage. Or so something to get us some interaction with the band. At least tell them about us. I hold the pass in my hand and look at Tessa to decide what to do. Ash grabs the pass and bolts towards the door.
You.fucking.bitch.
GIVE IT BACK!

We all follow. We ask where to go if you have an after party pass. We run up numerous flights of stairs. They thought we all had passes, and it looked like we were all getting in. When we got to another door, the woman leading us to the after party asks if we all had passes. Ash tells her it was just the two of them. The lady tells the rest of us to leave.
Again.
You.fucking.bitch.
We would have all gotten in had you not said anything. You dumb dumb bitch.

I get this stunned look on my face, like I've been totally ripped off. [Probably cause I had been.] I look at Jeff and he tells me I should have taken it. That I should have just gone. He gives me hug and tells me that he'll do something. We tell them we'll just wait outside, and to do something for us. We waited.

Nothing.

Nothing for about 45 minutes.

I try calling Ash. She picks up then immediately hangs up.

I figure she's talking to someone, I leave her alone. Riot calls, and asks where we are.

I told her the story, and she said she was on her way. She was going to come stay at Tessa's with me, and give us all a ride.

I call Ash again after about 10 minutes. I call maybe 10 times, and she never picks up. I get a call from Jeff. At first I had no idea who it was, I didn't have Jeff's number. Apparently he had to get it from Ashley because she 'had no service'. Bullshit. Jeff later told me that she was ignoring me.
He said they'd be out soon.

They finally return. Show us pictures of them and the entire band [minus Trent of course].

We got to the picture of them with Josh's huge goofy smile and I walk away and say, okay, let's go home. I couldn't take it. That totally could have been me. No wait, not could have. Would have.

Ashley gives me my pass back. After holding it for a while, I gave it back to her. I didn't need a constant reminder of how much of an idiot I was. I may not have been able to go without Tessa. I wouldn't be able to stand leaving her out of something like that. But I would have given it to my little brother. At least I would feel good about him being about to meet the band at his first NIN show. Plus, I know HE would have done something to get us back there. Also, that way Jeff wouldn't have to be so embarrassed going with an outgoing crazy like her. I feel really bad for him. Not that being like that is bad, but you just need to chilll out, so that you don't freak the guys out. They're just people, no need to act like a fucking crazy person.

Enough on that. Talking about it kind of makes me sick. Well, I was sick before that. But it's just making it worse. Next time.

I mean, I talked to Justin over nin.com today. He's a fucking sweetheart. I'd talked to him before the show a little, and I told to him about that night. He feels bad, but made it seem like less of a big deal.

I'm sore. And I feel worse than I ever have before. Today I got a text from Rev asking if I would be able to make it to Vegas if he paid for my ticket. Told him I couldn't go without Tess. He's offered to pay for us both. I don't know what we'll do.

Katie has offered to drive if she got a ticket too. But we just found out that it will be snowing this weekend in Portland. Roads will be closed, and we won't be able to get out. Also, my parents refuse to let me go. Fuck them. I'm going if I get the chance. I'll just tell them I'm staying at Tessa's or something. But I'm determined to do it.

I've got my fist, I've got my plan...

2008-12-01T18:26:00.000-08:00

A picture that I took from the show in Inglewood.

September 6th 2008
Our first NIN show.

Seriously, this NIN show in Portland is ging to be EPIC. Without question.

We've plotted something amazing to get our asses noticed and remembered. Turns out Riot will be able to make it. Also getting to meet some new friends there that I've been talking to through the internet. We'll be getting there around 5 am. I can't wait. I'm more excited than ever.

In other news, I've caught up on all my work in my other classes. Things really seem to be looking up. Things are finally going in the direction I want them to, and it feels good.

I have nothing to say, and I'm saying it.

2008-11-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

My life feels like a mess. It's time to clean up. Hopefully I get everything I want to get done this weekend. It seems to have no control over my life anymore, and it's driving me absolutely insane. But, I'll fix that. I always do. It's time to change.

In other news:
Mom's breast cancer test came back 'inconclusive'. She has to go in for another biopsy.

It seems she's becoming more of a mother now. It feels pretty nice. But my dad may have liver cancer, so we'll see if that'll turn him into a better dad? Don't get me wrong, I don't like that my parents may both have cancer. I just like that my mother and I are actually getting along, and it feels like she's trying harder to be a good mother.
We'll see how all this plays out.

Everyone dies eventually. Just because they're more aware of it now, shouldn't change anything, except their want to get more out of life. So no one should be sad. We should all just realize life could be shorter than we think, so we really do need to take advantage of our time, rather than always worrying about when it's going to end.

Nine Inch Nails will be in Portland in a couple weeks, and I must say, I'm fucking ready. I need this NIN fix to get me back on track. I just miss the whole environment of it all. I miss the people, and the feeling of reaching that goal of getting to the front, and hopefully getting to chat with the guys. I like having an achievable goal to reach for. I'm thinking about bribing Rob with coffee over Twinkle so they'll let us inside early, and out of the cold. Haha. Cause dude, the wait will be FREEZING. And I'll do whatever it takes to avoid it, even if it's really dumb. Haha.

It seems like all the Portlanders are ready to prove that we aren't as dull a crowd as people think we are. Everyone is so excited and ready to rock the fuck out. Good for them.

Turns out my mother won't be taking us to Vegas, because she'll be getting another biospy that week, and she'll be laying around for a few days. Last time every time she stood up, she stared bleeding. So that's definitely not going to happen.

That sucks, I REALLLLLY wanted to go to Vegas.
: [

Also, Carol took us to 2 places already. It'd be nice for my mother to take us somewhere for a change.

I think I'm going to re-do everything now. From my layout here, to my room. Things need to change, I feel like everything remains the same ALL the time, and it's driving me crazy. We'll see how far I get with all that.

3 more weeks in this term, and I'm so ready for another vacation.

How much for one night?

2008-11-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting here. Listening to Portishead on vinyl. I'm not sure why, but the sound of vinyl sounds and feels so much better to me than digital. Cleaner somehow. I also love that I'm not able to fast forward or skip anything. I listen to the album the whole way though.

Anyway.. I've been thinking a lot about photography lately for some reason.

When I was pretty young, I remember wanting to be a singer. But when I was old enough to realize that you can just have a career like that because you want it, I decided I'd better look for something else. Something achievable. I'd always done a little photography just for the fun of doing it. Got my first digital camera in 6th grade. It was more of a hobby than anything else.

Then my parents caught eye of what I'd been doing. Apparently I had an eye for this kind of stuff? I realized, 'Okay, I could make money off of this, right? Well then this is what I want to do with my life.' So I went after it. I put together a portfolio, and applied to Arts and Communication Magnet Academy [ACMA]. I look back at the photos now, and they were weak, and there was almost no emotion or story behind anything. Just pictures of nothing important. I also didn't have the ability to edit my photos, so they felt plain.

But the school loved them, and I was accepted into ACMA, but I ended up turning them down. I didn't see what I'd done, as anything too good, and I questioned whether I could make a career out of it. I didn't want to go after something I wouldn't end up being able to get in the end, even after all the work I'd put in. I had this mindset that you can't just do what you love to make a living. And if you want to try, you most likely won't succeed. You have to be extremely exceptional at it to get it. Which I didn't feel I was.

[I think I've definitely improved at least a little.]

So I was left at a point were I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And it drove me mad. I still desperately wanted a career in music, but knew I couldn't have it. Music had always been everything to me, and saved me more times than I could possibly count. I soon began not caring about whether I could make it or not. I just wanted it.

So, 7th grade, I pulled my old keyboard out of storage. A Christmas present from '97. Sure it was old, but it worked just fine.

Not much happened at first, but in 8th grade, I'd made some friends with the same love for music as me, and people who could help me create it. After that, making music felt like a drug to me. It got me through everything, sometimes more than anyone else's music could. I was able to get any emotions out in writing and in melody. It felt incredible. I haven't felt that since the end of my freshman year of high school. Since I couldn't get my emotions out in music, I turned to photography. I seem to be stuck in this cycle.

I have been looking into Rob Sheridan's photography, just thinking how the hell he got so god damn lucky. At 19, he was hired on the spot as just a fan, and has been working for Trent ever since. Doing what he's loves. And living a pretty nice life. [From what I hear at least.]

You know, all this stuff is just too god damn complicated.
Music - Can't get it. Just want it.
Photography - Can't get it. Just a hobby.

I think I'll just be a roadie, and see where it takes me.

Don't get me wrong. Music is what I'm after. I'm just wondering if I could make anything off of photography. Once I move to LA with Tessa, maybe I can make money off of live band photography. Doesn't matter who. Just surround myself with the music and environment, then any other time I'm not working, I could just work on my music.

Okay, now it just sounds like I'm after money. No, it's not that. I just want to know I could actually live my life doing something I want to do. And to actually live, you have to have money. Oh god, that's actually pretty sad. But, a salary is necessary.

Ugh, dude, do I have a future, or am I just kidding myself?

My brain is tired. How bout an update on my life, and not my mind.

Since New Orleans, I've been completely brain dead. [Oh wait, am I talking about my mind again?] Missing homework assignments. And even missing classes, or just leaving early. I have had this essay due for about 2 weeks now, and I'm yet to do it. I just can't.

For some reason, I can't not write an essay on politics. Sure, I can talk about it plenty, but when it comes to writing it down in a specific format and what-not, it freaks me out, and I loose all train of thought. I can't fucking do it. I hope this doesn't cost me my credits. I just HAVE to do it this weekend. [Which I probably won't, unfortunately.] Along with my History of Rock Music homework.

Ughh, so tedious.

Math is easy. I'm always on top of that -no problem. Just everything else is getting to me. Shit, I can't fall behind.

I'm so happy it's Friday.

OH yeah! The reason for the title?

There's a story. Get ready.

So, Tessa and I have to take the public bus home from PCC everyday. We'd left class early, so we had no idea when the next bus was coming. So we were waiting for a loooong ass time at the bus stop on the corner. After maybe 45 minutes of waiting, this Asian woman comes up to us, and says, 'How much for one night?' in this thick accent. At first, I thought she was making a joke.
I said 'What?', and expected her to laugh and walk away. But instead she just repeated herself.

I wasn't sure if she was actually asking what I thought she was asking. After a long confusing paragraph from this woman about her husband, I look at Tessa with the most confused look on my face. Tessa was just playing with her iPhone.

The woman keeps asking, and Tessa tells her that we're just waiting for the bus. The woman points and tells us that the bus stop is 'over there'. Yeah, you caught us. We're waiting at a corner 10 feet away from a bus stop, so we must be hookers.

The woman tells us that she wanted to know more about 'what we do'. I told her we don't do anything, so she just says 'Oh, okay. You were on the corner so I just assumed.' Then she just casually walks away, as if what she did was completely normal.

I'm sure this is a lot funnier if you were actually there, but it's fucking priceless. We laughed so hard, for so long. I mean, it's not like we LOOKED like hookers or anything. Unless the new hooker sheik is combat boots, jeans and leather jackets. Also, mid-day, rainy cold weather, dressed 'rebellious', minding our own business? What the fuck was that all about? And to make it more ghetto, we're standing in front of a Popeyes?
Wowww.
That's wonderful. So, we have a corner now.

I think I'll bake some brownies, and learn some piano covers. Avoid my homework a little longer. Hopefully my father will keep his promise [same one he keeps changing the date on], and take me to Guitar Center tomorrow to buy me a new mic cable. And I want to talk him into letting me look at the bass guitars.

Okay, well specifically that one I've had my eye on for the past 4 or 5 months. The Dean Evo XM. I just want to see if it's as nice as I hear it is.

Then, I want a tambourine.

:D

Haha I have no idea what my obsession is with them lately. I think it's because I've been playing Tap Tap NIN so much, and the tambourine has become one of my favorite parts in a few songs. Then there's always the 'With_Teeth' album. Trent uses it a lot, and it just makes the songs so catchy. Haha, I don't know, I'm kind of a loser. But let me tell you that I don't want it because Trent plays it. [If that were my goal, I'd have to get about a million other instruments that I can't play.] I just like it, that's all.

Riot called me last night during the Atlantic City show. I got to hear The Collector, and Reptile. With Peter Murphy? Haha oh my god, totally freaked me out. I love that girl. I'm so glad I kind of got to be a part of that. Considering, apparently it's been the best show so far. That set list? Dude, I reallllly hope that we're that lucky in Portland, and the guys do something a little special for us.

I hate how Portland has this awful reputation of having bad crowds. Ones who barely move at all. That better not happen at this show. We're rocking the fuck out. I'm bringing my younger brother to his first NIN show. And I've already told him that we'll be at the rail, and if he's one of the people who doesn't even move, I'll kick him in the balls, and force him out. That's just wasted space for people who want to be there. It's unfair to everyone else behind you.

Well, Portland promises to be amazing anyway. We gave Riot Tessa's extra pre-sale ticket, and I've talked Rev into coming to this show, since I missed him in Inglewood, because he was late. Should be a party. It's going to be a lonnnng cold wait. Watch, it will probably snow. Haha, ohh Portland.

I hope we get to run into Robin again. Then maybe meet Trent and the rest of the guys. Tess says that we'll know what hotel they're staying at, but I don't see us visiting. Haha, we're not the creeper/stalker type. And plus, that'd be just a little weird.

The day after the show is the beginning of finals week. I may have talked our writing teacher into coming to the show. Even though that's crunch time for him. Grading and finals and all. But I don't know, he seems to love Trent, and we've successfully made him jealous with our Voodoo experience.

I think I'll go to bed actually. I've been so stressed and -oh, techno. [Music's on shuffle.] Okay, well good techno is sounding pretty amazing right now. So maybe a snack, then bed once this song is over. Or this and a few others.

Thanks to Eric for good techno:
'My Body feat Mia J' - Benny Benassi

Okay, fuck.
I really need to get my act together.

Music music music.

2008-10-29T12:50:00.001-07:00

You know, I'm kind of getting the hang of this blog thing. I think that I'm not just going to talk about my NIN experiences and stuff. I think I'll keep a type of journal. It helps to get a lot off my mind.

I'm actually trying to clean my room right now. But the music playing is distracting me. My parents left for Vegas this morning for my mom's birthday. My 14 year old brother, Luke, and I have the house to ourselves till Sunday. I checked my PCC mail today. Saw an announcement that told me that campus would be closed today. Okay, cool, more time to work.

I'm really enjoying the [early] college life. So much more laid back, and I don't feel like I'm being babysat. It is my responsibility -finally- to control my own life.

I'm being a bad sister and letting my brother stay home from school. I think I'll call the school and tell them he's home sick, then maybe pick up his homework once I get dressed.

I'm currently just sitting at my computer in a mans dress shirt and a pair of red Dr. Martens. Men's clothes feel so much more comfortable than my own. I have no idea why I'm wearing these shoes though.

I'm listening to NIN's 'Still' album, and it's really making me miss New Orleans. I just can't get over that place. It was so beautiful, and the whole environment was great. Music was everywhere, and the people were so cool. So now I'm debating with myself. After I graduate, should Tessa and I move to LA like we had originally planned? Or should we move to New Orleans? It's actually tearing me apart. I'm looking for a career in LA. We could have chances to get ourselves out there, and get our music noticed in a place like Los Angeles. But New Orleans just feels right. What's a girl to do? Do we have more of a future in LA? I need to talk to Tessa about this.

The music is also on my mind. We need to really start buckling down, and working on our music. Tessa just got a beautiful black Dean guitar, that should arrive in the mail soon. Then she'll learn how to play it. The brother of a friend of mine sent me a message, and told me that if we needed it, he would be more than happy to do some backup guitar. We may have to take advantage of it. Tessa also got us Logic Studio, which should help us out a lot. Eric is actually 'back' in Portland, and wants to work on some music with us. He makes techno, but he's so talented when it comes to creating music on computers. I think we'll get together with him soon, and goof off with some music. Don't need to make it for the band, just need to make it for the hell of it. It's been so long since I've been able to create music with friends. I've hit a mad writers block. But I think it's actually just my lack of having someone to bounce ideas off of. I guess for now, I'll just do some covers.

Why is it that I'm always nagging people about music? I think I just miss creating it. We've got the ability. We've got the opportunities. And we've got the right equipment. Now we just need to go for it. My music had always been my way of expressing how I felt. Now that I've stopped writing, I feel like it's still all bottled up inside me, eating me alive.

I've turned on the keyboard. My room will have to wait.

NOLA -The Voodoo Experience

2008-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I've known for quite some time that Myspace is just plain stupid. And to write a blog on it, is complicated and flawed. I think it's time to get a real place to talk to myself. Why not?

I decided that since I would loveeee to share how incredible my weekend was with everyone, that I should just write one long blog about it. That way, I don't have to tell the same stories to everyone over and over again. [Not like I don't like talking about it. Bring it up with me, and I guarantee a long long conversation about how great this all is.]

I went to my second NIN show this past weekend, in New Orleans, at the Voodoo Festival. It was probably the best weekend of my life to date.

VOODOO DAY 0:
New Orleans
Riot's Blog

My friend Tessa and I got on a plane at 6 am to fly to Chicago, then to a connecting flight to New Orleans.
We got to see the sunrise from the plane, and it was probably one of the most amazing things I've seen in a long time. Too bad I didn't get a photo that could actually do it justice.

As tired as we were from being too excited and unable to sleep the night before our early 6 am flight, we couldn't sleep on the plane either. A long long flight, and nothing to do but think about the weekend to come. I'd occasionally catch a glance of Tessa's 'Concert Face'. She couldn't contain her excitement. She basically looked like she was trying not to scream, but with a huge smile on her face.
I'm beginning to get sick of flying. Then again, they're always taking me to get my next NIN fix. So I don't hate them too much

I texted my friend 'Riot' as soon as we got off the plane. She was going to arrive in NOLA a few hours after us. I couldn't wait to see her again.

We arrive, and it is humid, and rainy. We get in a cab, and head to the hotel. The W. Nicest hotel I think I've ever stayed in. We have Carol -Tessa's mom, and my second mother-, and Molly -a friend of theirs, that grants all of our wishes- to thank for that. Tessa and I get to our room, and immediately start getting ready to see Riot, so she could take us out to see where Trent Reznor used to live, and where Nothing Studios used to be.

We finally head back down to the lobby to meet up with Riot, and join in a big group hug, then head out. We catch a cab, and ask to be taken to Trent's old house. We giggle while she says the adress, cause we feel pretty stupid. We laugh and talk obnoxiously the entire way.

I had no idea what we were looking for. Next thing I know, Riot freaks out and grabs my arm.
'THAT WAS IT.' she said in a frantic whisper. We get out, and just stare for a bit. Then she took pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.

^ All of us. ^

^ Riot's attempt at getting a picture of us. ^

We were a tad bit loud, and annoying with the camera flashes going off. [Whoops.] But, we were so excited. I realize it was a stupid thing to do, to go to Trent Reznor's old house, but we're always playing the 'cool, non-freak fan' role, and we decided we were aloud at least one fangirl moment. A chance to be total losers.
Plus, the house was really really pretty.

We head over to Magazine street towards Nothing. The walk seemed to take forever, but we had Riot's 'NIN vet' stories to keep us entertained. Talking about when she met the band, and her NIN experiences. We be mad jealous of what she's done and seen. She tells us how she has no desire to really meet the band again. They scare the shit out of her apparently. But she did say that she would do whatever she can to get us to meet them. Especially this weekend.

We finally see the studio, and nearly tear up. So much happened here. A true fan moment. It's just crazy to think about the history that's behind this place. I'd give anything to get a chance to record an album here. But it looks as though it will never happen. At least we got a chance to see it.

Riot hangs a resistance flag on the door. That girl is so paranoid, and she feels so stupid putting it up, in fear of what Trent will think. Assuing he'll get angry and know it was her. Haha, what a silly girl.

We snap a few more pictures, and head back to the hotel. One of the oddest men walked up to us talking about god knows what, while we waited for the cab. I understood very little of what he was saying. He was a bit on the crazy side, but definitely made the night more interesting.

We get back to the hotel, and chill for a bit. Showing Riot what we might wear for the shows, and the pictures we had on my iPod Touch and Tessa's iPhone. She seemed verrrrry amazed.

We rough house a little, and I get shoved behind the bed. Riot seems to think we are hillarious and what-not, so she feels it necessary to take pictures of my ass pinned between a bed and a wall.

We discussed the plan for the next day, and Riot left. After that, we had no idea what to do, so we went to bed.

VOODOO DAY 1:
First official day of Voodoo
Riot's Blog

We got up fairly early, and met Riot in the lobby. She was wearing the amazing new NIN dress the she created. A beautiful white fluffy dress with a ghosts theme. Fancy hair and a mask. All glittery. She is truly one of the most talented people I know.

We found a cab, and headed over City Park where Voodoo was. It's a good thing we didn't walk like we had originally planned.
As soon as we saw the big Voodoo sign, it hit us. We were there. Got our bracelets, and headed in. We bearly make it though the front, and Riot is immediately asked by someone to have a picture taken with her.

Tessa and I back up as she poses. Next thing we know, there are like 8 photographers surrounding her, taking her picture. It was fucking hilarious. One woman takes a picture of Tessa and I. [I need to find all these pictures] We walk through the park, and plot out a little more about how the day of the NIN show will work. "Make it through the entrance, and BOOK IT to the Voodoo stage."

Attacked by a news woman, and Riot gets interviewed. Next, us. Haha, weird. But kind of cool.

What the fuck is up with my face?

We continue looking though the park.

Yes, we're cool enough to run though bubbles and brave enough to take pictures with vicious tigers.

We wandered till about 1, then headed out to look for coffee. Oh Riot, the coffee whore. After being lied to from about 3 people about the location of a coffee shop, we stop at subway, and get some water. We headed back to the park, and told Riot how we look like her entourage. Two shorter girls dressed in all black, next to her in this big fancy princess dress, traveling on either side of her. She denies it and thinks we're crazy.

We got back into the park, and a group of guys compliments Riot on her dress. Then comments about how she's been traveling around all day with her entourage. Hahah! WE TOLD YOU! She doesn't get it. She calls us her heroes for some unknown reason, even though we've done nothing special. She's so fucking crazy.

We headed back to the Voodoo stage, to wait for TV On The Radio. We see Wycleaf Jean while we're waiting. Which we actually ended up all loving. He was fun to watch, and seemed pretty damn intelligent (at least compared to other artists there). Plus, he made a girl with harry armpits and a hoola hoop come up from the crowd, and hoola hoop for everyone. Kind of hilarious.

Through out the show, we all felt rather uncomfortable. People loved Riot's outfit so much, that they loved to sneak pictures of her. I was standing next to her, so I was right in the line of fire. Tessa next to me, so you could most likely see her too. A little weird. But whatever.

While waiting for TVOTR, Tessa checked nin.com for any new updates. Turns out there was one. Trent talking about how us 'our-of-towners' should head over to the 'House of Shock'. Okay! We'll do it right after TVOTR. Sounded like fun.

TV On The Radio was way better than I ever could have hoped. Seemed like us 3 were the only ones rocking the fuck out, and cheering. Oh well, we were enjoying ourselves. And it was great.

From TheTenthRitual.com

Once it was over, we immediately headed out to get a cab. None of us had any idea where we were going. We finally found the address after a ton of phone calls, and we headed over.

The area looks sketchy. 'Trent, what are you getting us into?' we say. $30 later, we finally arrive. We pass up the VIP pass, cause we didn't think it would matter. We were all hungry and exhausted from a long couple of days, and kind of just wanted to get it over with.

Eventually, we decide to leave. It would take 2 more hours to get thorough, and we had to get up early , to get our spot in line for NIN the next morning. Get in the cab around 9:11. Head back to the hotel, leave Riot, and order room service. Bed.

VOODOO DAY 2:
Nine Inch Nails
Riot's Blog

Tessa and I got up around 7:30. Planned on meeting Riot at the festival around 9. On our way I get a call from Riot saying she was getting coffee, and she wanted me to find her friend Erin. Alright. We get there and I was too shy to say anything. That's something I have to stop doing. Riot arrives, and gets mad at me for not saying anything. Aweh, haha, I didn't mean to make her mad.

She introduces us. Erin shows us the sign for the show. 'NOLA Welcomes Home NIN'.
Perfect.

We hear NIN soundcheck. '1,000,000' playing in the distance.

We finally get to move up to get in. Riot and I get our bags checked. Had to empty EVERYTHING out. Then they made me throw the chain on my pants away. I wasn't too thrilled about that.

I get to the line, and only see Riot. Apparently the lady accidentally let a few people through by accident. Good, Tessa probably got our spot. But we're still gonna run like hell.

I was only able to run about half way. Haha, I'm such an our of shape loser. How pathetic. None the less, we got the exact spots we wanted. Now, we wait. It's 10 am, and NIN gets on around 10 pm. We had a long day ahead of us.

A creepy roadie under the stage kept looking over and smiling at us. Tried talking, but I could barely hear him over the music playing. 'The Perfect Drug' shows up on the big screen. Tessa screams, people stare. Haha, NIN fans are cool people. Especially Tessa.I watch the video, and hear Tessa say her name. The roadie had come over to say hi. He shakes her hand. 'Beautiful, gorgeous' he says. Haha Okayyyy.

Not only is she hot, but she had super cleavage.
BONUS!

We sit down. It was sunny, and hot. Everything we'd expected. Tons of NIN fans start showing up.

Oh look, my eye.

Riot goes and gets us some food and water, because we refused to move from the our spot. It was the perfect spot, and we would rather starve than give it up.

Oh Riot and those photographers.

Bands played on and off. A few really good, and few really bad.

We check nin.com

Picture was posted last night at 9:08. They were AT The House of Shock, at the SAME FUCKING TIME as us. We left 2 fucking minutes after that was posted. Had we gotten VIP, or at least stayed. We would have met them. FUCKDAMNIT. That blows. Yeah, we were a little fucking angry.

After Innerpartysystem, the same roadie that had been staring at our spot all day, told a security guard to give the drum stick to one of us. I reached out and grabbed it. After debating, I gave it to Tessa.

Us with Riot - Our NIN Mommy

Then he walked by a little later, and handed Tessa their guitar pick. Lil' Wayne was to play next. We were actually a bit excited for it...

Before the show starts, we see a couple of shitfaced girls in green paint, get pulled out of the crowd. We laugh at them. Next thing we know though, one of those girls was right behind us. How the hell she got there, I have no idea. But she looked like she was about ready to vomit. Had us all scared that she would on us, and we would have to leave our spots. The spots that we had kept so safe all day. Not.Going.To.Happen. We yell at the guards to take her out. They refused to. They preferred to laugh at us. They said they couldn't unless she needed out. Well, we needed her out. She started groping the girl behind us. Leaning on her and and just being obnoxious. She gets mad and tells the drunk girl to back off. The drunk girl attempts to say 'bitch please'.

All we can do is laugh at this girl. She is completely plastered, and trying to text and just stay standing up. We knew that as soon as Lil' Wayne came out, the crowd was going to push to the front, and it would squeeze her, and she would projectile vomit over all of us. No. Not.going.to.happen. She continues to sexually harass everyone around her. Puts her hand down the girls plants.

We tell secutity to take her out. They still refused to. We asked if it was a guy, if they'd take them out. They said 'yeah'. Well, that's sexist.

Lil' Wayne finally comes on, and it wasn't very exciting at all really.

I expected way more. But we still cheered, even with the lack of good bass to rock out to.

Near the end of the first song, a fight breaks out between the girl behind us, and the drunk girl. Drunk girl punched her in the face. Security come over and tells us to enjoy the show. THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT. They FINALLY take her out after a ton of arguing.

Lil' Wayne.
Boring.
Uneventful.
And long.

Finally over, and we continue to wait. One more band, and we finally get our band. YES.

After standing and walking for nearly 3 days straight without resting, we were tired. The crowd was starting to get more crammed, so there wasnt much room to sit. So I sit down, and let Tessa sat on my lap. Riot thinks we're adorable somehow. Even though we kind of look ill in this picture.

Mars Volta was on next. They come on, and after such a long day, we just sort of wished they'd go away. Their music was messy and all over the place, and you couldn't hear the singer. Good stage presence, but I was starting to get a little annoyed. He ended up coming off stage, and jumping up on the barricade. I held his ankle. Tessa held his thigh. Wow.

I just look really confused.

We see Robin and Rob walking around backstage.

After what seemed like one continuous never ending song, it was finally over.

NOW WE WAIT FOR NIN.

They test the screens and it only gets us more excited. Most of us know what songs they're checking for. It makes us cheer. We set up the sign.

A man walks up to Riot. 'Have you been here all day?'
'Yes.'
'Yeah, I saw you first in line, and I've seen you here all day. So I've got a couple backstage passes for you. I don't know if the band will be there, and I only have two, but I just thought you deserved it.'

We are all left completely speechless. Tessa and I look at each other, and get all teary eyed. I ask Riot what she's going to do. She couldn't take just one of us. I told her to take her friend. It would kill Tessa and I if only one of us got to go. Riot asks us if we want her to get something signed. No, that would make us feel even more left out. Plus, what's the point in having something signed, if you didn't ge tit yourself? Okay, we were actually really bummed out. This sucks. We missed our chance once already, and now we have to miss it again.
Why does this always happen?
So close, yet so far away.

We shut the fuck up, and calm down.
Whatever.

Now we're just pissed off, and can't wait to get that anger out.

Next thing I know, Tessa screams.
What the fuck?
'LISTEN' she says.

Then I start screaming.

'999,999'

Then everyone starts screaming.

AHHHHHHHH.
'1,000,000'

I start shaking. I'm never going to be ready for this, am I?

Josh drums away like a mother fucking god. I'm going to miss him. Then Robin, playing like a mad man. I am absolutely in love with the way he plays, and his badassness.

I KNOW WHO'S NEXT. Trent! It's Trent.

I'm not sure this could ever get old. Tessa and I rock the fuck out. We've been so disappointed in the rail people lately. No energy. They just stand there. We want to change that. We go crazy. Surprisingly the crowd wasn't pushing us much at all. Cool. That's nice. We got to dance at a NIN concert. Something we really wanted to do.

I was cameraless this time. I didn't plan on using it in the first place, then I REALLY wasn't able to use it, when the security threw all my stuff on the ground. I freaked out about our flags, they wouldn't give them back to me.

[I find concerts incredibly impossible to describe song by song.
So I'll give you the set list, and go from there.]

999,999
1,000,000
Letting You
Discipline
March Of The Pigs
Head Down
The Frail
Closer
Gave Up
The Warning
The Great Destroyer
5 Ghosts I
25 Ghosts III
19 Ghosts III
Piggy Ghosts
The Greater Good
Pinion
Wish
Terrible Lie
Survivalism
The Big Come Down
31 Ghosts III
Only
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole

Echoplex
The Good Soldier
Hurt
In This Twilight

Riot's Pictures:

The dancing only lasted till 'March of the Pigs'. Of course. We all know that's when it gets really rowdy.
Dude, we rocked the FUCK OUT. Had the time of our mother fucking lives.

Riot says that Trent and Robin were looking down and smiling at us a lot during MOTP, because of how crazy we were. Haha, oh no. If that's true, that's embarrassing.

We got to hear some songs we've never heard live before. It was amazing.

Also, got our picture up on nin.com.

I just found out that since Lil'Wayne took so long, Trent had to cut 30 minutes off their show.
Apparently, Vessel, God Given, and THE WRETCHED were cut. I would really love to rip that man's dick off for costing me The Wretched live. I was so looking forward to seeing it.

Eventually, after a fuckload of fake tears to get our flags back, the security guard gave us our flags. Success for Survivalism.

^ Trent showing off. ^
Yeah, Riot has mad skills with the camera.

Okay, I can't go through every detail of the show. Mostly just cause I can't describe what I felt.

After the show, Tessa was still crying from 'Hurt', when the roadie gave her Josh's drumstick. Yay for cleavage! Oh, and tears.

We left Riot, and told her we'd see her in Portland in December. She'd be leaving in the morning to go back home to New York.

We met up with Molly and Carol. They were so blown away by what they had just witnessed. They had no idea it was going to be THAT good. They just couldn't get over it. We talked about it the entire way back. Tess and I did our typical after show ritual. Long shower, big T-shirt, knee high socks, room service, lay in bed, and watch the beginning of a movie.
This time it was Wall-E.
We barely made it through the beginning and just fell asleep.

VOODOO DAY 3-
Exploring NOLA, Meeting Robin.

We'd been really looking forward to sleeping in Sunday morning. But no, housekeeping had to pound on our door at 9 am. After that, we were awake. We had no idea what we were going to do all day. 'Post-nin depression'. Nothing seems like it could live up what you experienced the night before. Everything is simply, boring.

We got dressed with very sore bodies. Mostly our feet and chest from walking around and standing around for 3 days straight with little rest, and being rammed against the rail all night. We were a little bruised.

We headed out for brunch with Molly and Carol. Our first REAL meal in a while. New Orleans has the BEST food in the entire world. It felt like heaven. We walked around for a while after that. Headed over to Magazine Street, because Molly and Carol wanted to see Nothing, and do a little shopping at the stores we'd found that Thursday night.

We made it to Nothing, and got a good look at how broken it really was. Something we could really see at night. The flag was gone. Haha, well duh.

It was actually kind of sad though. That place was so beautiful, and so much went into it, now it's empty [kind of] and broken, and people had graffitied all over it, and hmph. Just depressing.

We started heading back down toward Trent's old house. All the stores were closed because it was Sunday. We were tired, sore, thirsty, and depressed. Just not a good day. We had completely given up on going anywhere else. We were tired and just wanted to go back to the hotel, order room service, and sulk. We were just zoning out while waiting for the light at a stop walk, when I had been staring at this guy on a bike with orange knee high socks and a green and black striped shirt without really meaning to.

I hear Molly say, 'Is that Robin?' and I look around thinking, 'Nahh, I'd know if I saw him. Plus, they're probably on their way to Florida right now.' The guy on the bike passed us, and he looked right at us, and smiled.

WAIT.
WHAT?
WOAH.
ROBIN.
That was HIM?
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED??

I grab Tessa's arm. We look at each other with wide eyes. I called Riot, and it went straight to voicemail. I needed our NIN mommy to tell us what to do, but she was on a plane. Shit.

Upset that we'd missed them again for the THIRD time that weekend, we continued walking. We talk about how fucking RANDOM that was. ROBIN FINCK just rode past us on a big red bicycle. What the HELL just happened? That doesn't make ANY sense at all.

We stop at a restaurant for something to drink. Completely silent. We lost him. Again. How could we let this happen? [If you don't know us at all, you'll know that Robin Finck is one of our favorite artists. We wanted to meet him more than Trent. So you could see how we'd be heartbroken about missing our chance to meet him.] After a few minutes of silence, Tessa tells Carol that we were going to go walk around. 'Okay', Carol says.

As soon as we get out the door, Tessa says, 'You know what we're doing right?'. 'Oh yeah.' I say. 'We're on a mother fucking mission.' 'I refuse to let this happen again.' she says. We head towards Nothing. The same direction we saw Robin turn before we lost him.

We end up stopping, and just standing around trying to figure out what the fuck to do. AT that point we'd almost given up. Butt then I look over, and what do you know. 'Woah!' I yell like an idiot.
'What!?' Tessa says.
"Robin, no way. Right there.' I say in a kind of whisper.
Without even thinking I call him over.

'Hey Robin! Come here!' He's on the other side of the street, and has no idea where the voice is coming from. 'Over here Robin, come on! Come on!' Tessa and I signal him to come over. He crosses the street and pulls up right in front of us on his big red bicycle.

"What's up guys?' he says while giving us each a high five.
We talk a little before we introduce ourselves.
'I'm Robin' he says.

We talked for a little bit. He told us about how he used to live on Magazine Street. I told him I loved it there and that I could totally see myself living here; it's beautiful. He told us how much he loved it there also. Said he had just gone over to 'nin studios' [Yes, he actually called it 'nin'.] We said we'd just been over there. He tells us 'It's all broken and stuff. The windows are all smashed'.
We talked a bit about Voodoo, he tells us how much he enjoyed playing the festival.

He asks what we were even doing over there. We told him we were just walking around, we loved the area. He asked if we lived around there. He seemed amazed when we told him that we'd come all the way from Portland.
'I think we have a show in Portland,' he told us.
'Yepp,' I said, 'We'll be there too. Right at the rail as usual.'
'Cool, cool.' he says while nodding up and down. 'Me too.'
Tessa asks if we could possibly get a picture. He seemed totally excited to get one.
'Get this sweet bike in it too!' he said.

Tessa and Robin

Robin and Myself

I walked over and he put his his arm across my shoulder and his head on mine.
He smelled really good. Is that creepy to say?

After the pictures, we talked a little more small talk, and we decided we'd let him get back to what he was doing.
'Well. I guess we'll let you go now,' Tessa said.
'Alright, I guess I'll keep cruising then.'

We say goodbye.
'I'm going to cross the street now,' he says.

We laugh and walk away without looking back. We kept walking back toward the restaurant, and Robin passes us again.

He waves and yells, 'See you in Portland!'.

"Have fun!' Tessa yells.

Overall.
It was a pretty incredible fucking weekend.